These are a few things that I found interesting lately:
-A sign on a lot near us... "Please pick up your poop". I believe the reference was to the neighborhood dogs
-70 year old women wearing Bikinis at the beach
-People walking barefoot on the Dog Beach
-Families with 12 year old boys eating at Hooters
-Guys who walk into the weight room with full UnderArmour uniforms on, pick up a 50lb dumbbell, put it down, and leave
-EVERYBODY underdressed at restaurants (This needs to be copied up North!)
-Retirees riding on Motorcycles
-BMWs, Lexus, Caddies, and Mercedes parked in front of every Goodwill Thrift Store
-Too many Grouper Sandwiches.
-Tag Sales (Don't they know it's called Garage Sales)
-Unbelievable amount of vacant storefronts (the economy ain't changing' down here folks)
-Elderly Seniors directing traffic (scares me a little but everybody needs a job)
-Finally, one bridge in & one bridge out of here....usually 30 minutes to get off this island unless you swim.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Our Superbowl Party
First off, we did our best to gather a diverse mix of friends and neighbors in our rented duplex home in Ft Myers Beach FL. while on vacation. It was a hard chore coming up with just the right formula based on the interest level (or lack thereof) in Football from some of the invitees. The first to show up was my next-door neighbor Phil (name changed) who is always cheery but very perplexed since he's from New England and bet against the Patriots (now he's a happy guy). He's our chart man who pulls together the $$$ and sells boxes on the chart at $.50 a pop. Then came his wife Matilda with her HOT wings (I mean chicken wings you perverts).
Next to show up was Shirley who walked in with a Patriot's balloon and asked me where to hang it. I told her to walk down to the beach and let it go South (I'm still not over the sickening loss by the Ravens). Following Marie was John with his wife Delores right behind him. John had three bottles of wine in his grip and just wanted to know who was going to open the 1st bottle (he wasn't even all the way into the room yet). His wife Delores was the one I remember from last year who spent the entire game talking about unrelated things; in fact, she forgot who was actually playing in the Superbowl. She didn't let us down this year and left before the 4th quarter even started.
Our friends from Baltimore, Jennifer and Laslo, came with fresh veggies that they had just brought over the Florida border, avoiding the fruit and vegetable checkpoint set up by the Florida State Police. Betty and Carol were two Southern belles who spoke with Gone With The Wind accents (I'm still trying to find out if they were put on or not).
So away we go with the game (after that embarrassing performance by so-called celebrities struggling with the National Anthem). Why can't they just let the crowd sing together instead of forcing all those personal renditions by those getting the big bucks to show up?
At the start of the game we had 16 boxes un-filled. I overheard one of our ladies tell her husband "just buy one box, you only need one to win". Come on...$.50 a box!! Anyway, Phil & I slapped extra money down for the rest of the boxes just to make it interesting. And who do you think won the 1st two quarters?....MOI. After hearing all the complaints about how the card was rigged I merely stated that I had spent my entire allowance (given to me by my wife Geri) on making the chart interesting enough for everyone.
Well, we had a good time with all the folks and the food was good. There was only one problem.....THE RAVENS SHOULDA BEEN THERE!!!
Next to show up was Shirley who walked in with a Patriot's balloon and asked me where to hang it. I told her to walk down to the beach and let it go South (I'm still not over the sickening loss by the Ravens). Following Marie was John with his wife Delores right behind him. John had three bottles of wine in his grip and just wanted to know who was going to open the 1st bottle (he wasn't even all the way into the room yet). His wife Delores was the one I remember from last year who spent the entire game talking about unrelated things; in fact, she forgot who was actually playing in the Superbowl. She didn't let us down this year and left before the 4th quarter even started.
Our friends from Baltimore, Jennifer and Laslo, came with fresh veggies that they had just brought over the Florida border, avoiding the fruit and vegetable checkpoint set up by the Florida State Police. Betty and Carol were two Southern belles who spoke with Gone With The Wind accents (I'm still trying to find out if they were put on or not).
So away we go with the game (after that embarrassing performance by so-called celebrities struggling with the National Anthem). Why can't they just let the crowd sing together instead of forcing all those personal renditions by those getting the big bucks to show up?
At the start of the game we had 16 boxes un-filled. I overheard one of our ladies tell her husband "just buy one box, you only need one to win". Come on...$.50 a box!! Anyway, Phil & I slapped extra money down for the rest of the boxes just to make it interesting. And who do you think won the 1st two quarters?....MOI. After hearing all the complaints about how the card was rigged I merely stated that I had spent my entire allowance (given to me by my wife Geri) on making the chart interesting enough for everyone.
Well, we had a good time with all the folks and the food was good. There was only one problem.....THE RAVENS SHOULDA BEEN THERE!!!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Game
When I substitute teach I like to tell the kids in my classes a little story or joke just to break the ice. Most of the kids who see me ask for a new story. So here's one I told yesterday...
A long time ago, when I coached baseball at a local City High School, we were scheduled to play a game at a school in the Western part of Baltimore County which required a good deal of travel time. I got the players out of class early so we would be able to get to the opponent's field early and perhaps take a little batting practice (which I threw since my pitching staff at that time was strike-zone challenged).
We left school in plenty of time to keep to our schedule and I was deeply engrossed in some paperwork while traveling. After a while I looked up and saw that we seemed to be going in an unfamiliar direction based on the way I had traveled to this particular school in prior years. I asked the rather rotund female driver if she knew where she was going and she replied that she knew where the school was located. I asked if her supervisors had given her directions and she replied, "Don't need any, know the way".
When we approached the entrance to the Harbor Tunnel I knew we were in trouble. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and asked me to come up and speak to her. She said, "Did you know we had a toll to pay to go through this tunnel?" I replied, "So what, pay the toll and let's get moving." Her reply, "I ain't got no money to pay no toll!". Perplexed as I was, and figuring that our pre-arranged schedule just went to Hell, I replied, "Didn't your Supervisor give you money to pay the toll?", upon which she stated, "I forgot to ask him about it". So I quizzically inquired as to what she might require of me so we could get moving. She indicated that perhaps she could borrow the money from me. After profuse giggles from the players in the bus we decided to take up a collection from the players and me so we could pay the toll. I didn't have my wallet with me and only a little change in my pocket.
After collecting the needed funds we proceeded forward and I asked her where the phone or communication devise was located on the bus to which she replied..."Broke".
After all this fun we were late, lost the game, and when I called the bus company the next day to inquire about this driver the answer I got was..."She Quit!"...True Story, just one of many in the Naked City.
A long time ago, when I coached baseball at a local City High School, we were scheduled to play a game at a school in the Western part of Baltimore County which required a good deal of travel time. I got the players out of class early so we would be able to get to the opponent's field early and perhaps take a little batting practice (which I threw since my pitching staff at that time was strike-zone challenged).
We left school in plenty of time to keep to our schedule and I was deeply engrossed in some paperwork while traveling. After a while I looked up and saw that we seemed to be going in an unfamiliar direction based on the way I had traveled to this particular school in prior years. I asked the rather rotund female driver if she knew where she was going and she replied that she knew where the school was located. I asked if her supervisors had given her directions and she replied, "Don't need any, know the way".
When we approached the entrance to the Harbor Tunnel I knew we were in trouble. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and asked me to come up and speak to her. She said, "Did you know we had a toll to pay to go through this tunnel?" I replied, "So what, pay the toll and let's get moving." Her reply, "I ain't got no money to pay no toll!". Perplexed as I was, and figuring that our pre-arranged schedule just went to Hell, I replied, "Didn't your Supervisor give you money to pay the toll?", upon which she stated, "I forgot to ask him about it". So I quizzically inquired as to what she might require of me so we could get moving. She indicated that perhaps she could borrow the money from me. After profuse giggles from the players in the bus we decided to take up a collection from the players and me so we could pay the toll. I didn't have my wallet with me and only a little change in my pocket.
After collecting the needed funds we proceeded forward and I asked her where the phone or communication devise was located on the bus to which she replied..."Broke".
After all this fun we were late, lost the game, and when I called the bus company the next day to inquire about this driver the answer I got was..."She Quit!"...True Story, just one of many in the Naked City.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
A Great Prank
When I substitute I always start off with a story. The kids in my classes who know me wait for the stories. So recently I told them about a great prank that was played on me during my time as Athletic Director at Mergenthaler Vo-Tech HS, a school located in the Baltimore City School System. I was there between 1980-1990.
I was the "Guru" of health back then. People would come to me for advice on what to eat, how to eat, when to eat, and ask about various exercise plans that they could use and keep up with.
One day in 1983 I had a doctor's appointment. They drew blood for various tests. One was a cholesterol screening. A few days after the test the Doc called me and said, "We need to talk". I said, "About what?". He then proceeded to tell me my cholesterol level was in the "HIGH" range and with my family history we needed to do something about that. So from that time until now I've taken three little pills that keep me on this side of the grass.
After I heard this news from the Doc I walked around in a gray "funk" for several days. My coaching staff, a bunch of fun-loving guys and gals, got tired of my moodiness and decided to do something about it. One day I walked into my office and on the walls, where I had many athletic artifacts saved from years of collecting, were little tags hanging by strings from each piece. I read the first, "In case of Schlenoff's death I claim this football helmet". My football coach's name appeared on the tag. I looked at another and the tag read, "In case of Schlenoff's death I claim this fencing sword", signed by my wrestling coach. All around the room my coaching staff had claimed all my "stuff" in case of my death. At 1st I was upset and then I started to laugh. What a bunch of morons.
But that's not all... a few days later the School Police Officer came to my office and asked me to come with him, he had to show me something. He took me all the way to the other side of the building and tried to open a locked door, which he couldn't. I said, "What's going on?", he answered, "must be the wrong set of keys, I'll show you this later". So back to my office we went. As I put my key in the door the School Police Officer start to back up. "What's wrong?", I asked. No reply. As I opened the door, to my utter amazement, on my desk was a full-size, pine COFFIN. After a few well-placed utterances by me, I heard some snickering in the adjacent office. My entire coaching staff, including the Principal of the school, were hiding in that office and they all started bursting out laughing at the same time. I started to laugh also until one of these jerks told me to open the coffin. When I did, out jumped my Assistant A.D. yelling "Surprise". After realizing I was going to make it through this prank without a major breakdown, I also laughed. These clowns had been in the basement of the school and found the coffin used in a school play sometime in the past.
Some time soon I'll tell you about another major prank (this one took a lot of planning on everyone's part). We did these things just to keep our sanity while in the teaching profession.
I was the "Guru" of health back then. People would come to me for advice on what to eat, how to eat, when to eat, and ask about various exercise plans that they could use and keep up with.
One day in 1983 I had a doctor's appointment. They drew blood for various tests. One was a cholesterol screening. A few days after the test the Doc called me and said, "We need to talk". I said, "About what?". He then proceeded to tell me my cholesterol level was in the "HIGH" range and with my family history we needed to do something about that. So from that time until now I've taken three little pills that keep me on this side of the grass.
After I heard this news from the Doc I walked around in a gray "funk" for several days. My coaching staff, a bunch of fun-loving guys and gals, got tired of my moodiness and decided to do something about it. One day I walked into my office and on the walls, where I had many athletic artifacts saved from years of collecting, were little tags hanging by strings from each piece. I read the first, "In case of Schlenoff's death I claim this football helmet". My football coach's name appeared on the tag. I looked at another and the tag read, "In case of Schlenoff's death I claim this fencing sword", signed by my wrestling coach. All around the room my coaching staff had claimed all my "stuff" in case of my death. At 1st I was upset and then I started to laugh. What a bunch of morons.
But that's not all... a few days later the School Police Officer came to my office and asked me to come with him, he had to show me something. He took me all the way to the other side of the building and tried to open a locked door, which he couldn't. I said, "What's going on?", he answered, "must be the wrong set of keys, I'll show you this later". So back to my office we went. As I put my key in the door the School Police Officer start to back up. "What's wrong?", I asked. No reply. As I opened the door, to my utter amazement, on my desk was a full-size, pine COFFIN. After a few well-placed utterances by me, I heard some snickering in the adjacent office. My entire coaching staff, including the Principal of the school, were hiding in that office and they all started bursting out laughing at the same time. I started to laugh also until one of these jerks told me to open the coffin. When I did, out jumped my Assistant A.D. yelling "Surprise". After realizing I was going to make it through this prank without a major breakdown, I also laughed. These clowns had been in the basement of the school and found the coffin used in a school play sometime in the past.
Some time soon I'll tell you about another major prank (this one took a lot of planning on everyone's part). We did these things just to keep our sanity while in the teaching profession.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Tell Your Kids To Have A "Plan B".
Recently I was featured as a local radio talk show's guest speaker on Maryland's 50,000 watt AM radio station. Actually I wasn't the guest speaker, I just called in just before their News Break on my cell phone which almost guarantees you get on because you can't talk too long before the News Break.
Anyway, the subject at the time was the horrendous cost of college tuition in the United States and how student loan responsibilities may far outweigh the financial benefits of a college education. Some graduates (or their parents) may be strapped with government (or bank) loans for most of their careers, if they're lucky enough to even find a job.
When I ride by college campuses, I wonder how those bright-eyed, bushy-tailed collegians are going to fair when its their time to get out into the cruel world of taxes, home ownership, commodity purchases, etc. That's why I suggest to those who plan to go to college that they consider a "Plan B". Even though you want to pursue a direction that let's you express your passions for life, remember that there are areas in society where you might be the only person who thinks your passions are important.
When I was the Athletic Director at a local City Vocational High School back in the 1980's, I had a young man stop by one day and ask me how much money I earned as a teacher. After telling him it wasn't any of his damn business he proceeded to explain that after graduating from this particular high school, with an emphasis in auto mechanics, he was earning $8 per hour as an apprentice diesel truck mechanic...and that after he finished his apprenticeship he would be earning $13 per hour as a certified diesel truck mechanic. This was back in the 1980's! Do you know what kind of money we'd be talking about if that were the case today?
When we had our house renovated a few years back we were told that the Master Electrician on site was earning about $40+K a year and a Master Plumber at the $46+K level. That's way better then most entry level jobs of college graduates who still have 20 years or so to pay off college loans.
I'm not suggesting that kids shouldn't plan or actually go to college, but the University life isn't a perfect fit for EVERYBODY!
KIDS.... realize that when we adults need help with Plumbing Repairs, Electrical Repairs, Car Repairs, etc., we sometimes have a hard time finding someone who is reputable, trust-worthy, and within our budgets to get the problem fixed. What ever happened to the Vocational Schools? We need to tell local authorities that there's a need for more of them again!
Anyway, the subject at the time was the horrendous cost of college tuition in the United States and how student loan responsibilities may far outweigh the financial benefits of a college education. Some graduates (or their parents) may be strapped with government (or bank) loans for most of their careers, if they're lucky enough to even find a job.
When I ride by college campuses, I wonder how those bright-eyed, bushy-tailed collegians are going to fair when its their time to get out into the cruel world of taxes, home ownership, commodity purchases, etc. That's why I suggest to those who plan to go to college that they consider a "Plan B". Even though you want to pursue a direction that let's you express your passions for life, remember that there are areas in society where you might be the only person who thinks your passions are important.
When I was the Athletic Director at a local City Vocational High School back in the 1980's, I had a young man stop by one day and ask me how much money I earned as a teacher. After telling him it wasn't any of his damn business he proceeded to explain that after graduating from this particular high school, with an emphasis in auto mechanics, he was earning $8 per hour as an apprentice diesel truck mechanic...and that after he finished his apprenticeship he would be earning $13 per hour as a certified diesel truck mechanic. This was back in the 1980's! Do you know what kind of money we'd be talking about if that were the case today?
When we had our house renovated a few years back we were told that the Master Electrician on site was earning about $40+K a year and a Master Plumber at the $46+K level. That's way better then most entry level jobs of college graduates who still have 20 years or so to pay off college loans.
I'm not suggesting that kids shouldn't plan or actually go to college, but the University life isn't a perfect fit for EVERYBODY!
KIDS.... realize that when we adults need help with Plumbing Repairs, Electrical Repairs, Car Repairs, etc., we sometimes have a hard time finding someone who is reputable, trust-worthy, and within our budgets to get the problem fixed. What ever happened to the Vocational Schools? We need to tell local authorities that there's a need for more of them again!
Friday, September 16, 2011
My Life as a High School A.D. (again)
Three more days...just three more, and I don't have to get up at 6am if I don't want to. I'm running out of ideas for making lunch! Teaching 2 P.E. classes, getting additional coverages cause they think I'm not doing enough; answering the phone calls in the A.D. Office, receiving/sending emails, checking fields, checking the Weather Channel all day to see if we can really play that afternoon; running out to the Archery course each day, setting up targets, giving out equipment, supervising locker rooms.....
Then there are the team problems: this coach needs printed rosters; that coach needs a new water jug since the spigot on the last one broke; this coach is pissed cause they have to play soccer on a smaller field when the boys get the bigger field; that coach has a sportsmanship problem at the end of a game; this coach won't let a parent pick up her kid after an "away" game b/c the coach says the "proper paperwork" wasn't filled out....etc. etc. etc.
And I'm wearing a set of keys with three different rings on them made up of 10 keys each...and I only figured out two keys that work!!
Just got an email from an Asst Principal that he needed my help in a "Practice Bus Evacuation" on 9/23....hahahaha, my last day is 9/21!!
Ain't I having fun?......three more days!!!!
Then there are the team problems: this coach needs printed rosters; that coach needs a new water jug since the spigot on the last one broke; this coach is pissed cause they have to play soccer on a smaller field when the boys get the bigger field; that coach has a sportsmanship problem at the end of a game; this coach won't let a parent pick up her kid after an "away" game b/c the coach says the "proper paperwork" wasn't filled out....etc. etc. etc.
And I'm wearing a set of keys with three different rings on them made up of 10 keys each...and I only figured out two keys that work!!
Just got an email from an Asst Principal that he needed my help in a "Practice Bus Evacuation" on 9/23....hahahaha, my last day is 9/21!!
Ain't I having fun?......three more days!!!!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Pet Peeves!
Sorry I haven't written in a while...so here goes:
Don't you wish you had a proper vehicle to put your pet peeves down in writing? Well this is mine. These are not necessarily in priority order:
1) Smokers who think the world is their ashtray when they roll down the driver's side window and deposit their butts on the side of the road. Don't you wish you had the nerve to get out of your car, pick it up, and hand it to them before the light changes?
2) People who say "Now that being said...". Don't you know for sure that something bad is coming next?
3) People who refuse to buy a hands-free devise while driving and try to make a left hand turn while you're coming the other way? Don't they know it's the LAW?
4) People who are in front of you making a left hand turn and don't pull up under the light so you can get through just before the light changes?
5) Police and Fire Department calling for donations who make you think YOU won't be a priority if something happens and you don't donate. They don't say that but they get you thinking!
6) All the octagenarian medicine commercials (Gasex, Viagra, etc.) during the Nightly News with Brian Williams. Who do they think the viewers are, old people?
7) The people who pull into the gas station just before you and don't pull up to the farthest pump so you can use the nearer pump.
8) The lack of regulated and timed signals in downtown Baltimore. Stop at Red, go one block, stop at Red, go one block, stop at Red...you get the idea!
9) People in front of you in the grocery line who detect the wrong price on a $.69 item and ask to speak to the manager.
10) People in restaurants celebrating special occasions right next to us while we're trying to have a romantic dinner! ...and the waitstaff singing "Happy Birthday" off-key!
Excuse me while I take a tranquilizer!!!
Don't you wish you had a proper vehicle to put your pet peeves down in writing? Well this is mine. These are not necessarily in priority order:
1) Smokers who think the world is their ashtray when they roll down the driver's side window and deposit their butts on the side of the road. Don't you wish you had the nerve to get out of your car, pick it up, and hand it to them before the light changes?
2) People who say "Now that being said...". Don't you know for sure that something bad is coming next?
3) People who refuse to buy a hands-free devise while driving and try to make a left hand turn while you're coming the other way? Don't they know it's the LAW?
4) People who are in front of you making a left hand turn and don't pull up under the light so you can get through just before the light changes?
5) Police and Fire Department calling for donations who make you think YOU won't be a priority if something happens and you don't donate. They don't say that but they get you thinking!
6) All the octagenarian medicine commercials (Gasex, Viagra, etc.) during the Nightly News with Brian Williams. Who do they think the viewers are, old people?
7) The people who pull into the gas station just before you and don't pull up to the farthest pump so you can use the nearer pump.
8) The lack of regulated and timed signals in downtown Baltimore. Stop at Red, go one block, stop at Red, go one block, stop at Red...you get the idea!
9) People in front of you in the grocery line who detect the wrong price on a $.69 item and ask to speak to the manager.
10) People in restaurants celebrating special occasions right next to us while we're trying to have a romantic dinner! ...and the waitstaff singing "Happy Birthday" off-key!
Excuse me while I take a tranquilizer!!!
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