A Night Out on the Town With My Best Gal

Our good friend Judy gave Geri and I free tickets to the BSO (Baltimore Symphony Orchestra) concert at Oregon Ridge Park, a converted ski slope in Northern Baltimore County, summer home of the BSO. This is a beautiful bucolic setting amidst lush trees and an immense old-time ski slope where many of us broke our necks as kids.

I was really looking forward to this concert featuring the famous hits of John Williams, composer of such memorable tunes as Star Wars, Superman, Born on the 4th of July, etc. We pulled up into the parking lot and right away figured something was wrong. There were 20 cars parked and the only noticeable clientele were at the swing set enjoying the evening. We looked at our tickets again and realized that even though we like to be early for functions, a week in advance of the concert was a bit excessive.

So now I suggest going to the movies. With us we have bottled water and zucchini bread I made for dessert. So we arrive at the Mall to try to find a place for coffee. Everyone's out on a beautiful humidity-free night. We grab a couple of iced coffees and make our way to the movies where we decide on "The Hangover", one of the 100 choices in this multiplex theatre.

We sit in the lobby with our iced coffee and zucchini bread snacks while others pay $14 for a large popcorn and medium-sized Coke. We were looking mighty guilty, trying to keep things out of sight, when a big-mouth lady hollers over to us, "Hey, where did you get the iced coffee, I want to buy one too". We felt like felons. We were directed by an employee to a sign on the wall that said "Those bringing outside food into this theatre will be punished to the full extent of the law". We looked around for hidden security cameras and prayed they didn't film us finishing our snacks before we went into the show.

The movie was hilarious!

The night was still young after the movie which was preceded by 37 previews of coming attractions both on the Big Screen and the TV Screen, and three separate warnings to turn off our cell phones. So we decided to get a drink at the Bamboo House, a Chinese Restaurant which converts into a geriatric dance floor after dark. I'm not saying the crowd is old but there is a Baltimore County ambulance on call right outside the door... just in case. We are greeted by a guy in a black muscle shirt whose arms are presented so as to flex his biceps for everyone entering to see. He's about 65 with coal black "Just for Men" colored hair. There were others around the bar who were conversing in hushed tones while others were trying to maneuver around for the best hook-ups before returning to the Retirement Community's bus waiting outside. I swear there was a guy who was at least 80 who wore more polyester than I've seen since 1968. His natty white shoes set him apart from everyone.

Anyway, we had a drink and observed a delightful dance crew having a great time. Tommy Vann's Band was playing. Tommy must be about 76 years old by now. I remember him from the 60's. He had a portable microphone with him and in the middle of a song he headed to the bathroom. There were 14 straight cha-cha's played. It was getting a bit boring.

Nothing more to report on the evening. It was an excellent night out with my best gal. I just wonder why the faces change so much from week to week at the Bamboo House. Must be the short life expectancy of 80-year-olds trying to jitterbug!!!

Meals on Wings

We are a WILDLIFE HABITAT. You are probably wondering how a home in Towson, just a hop, step, and jump from the Beltway (I-695) could be so designated. Well my wife Geri is an environmentalist and a few years ago she found out how we could become a WILDLIFE HABITAT. You see all you have to do is put up a few bird feeders, have a water source available, and treat the wildlife as if they were family. I tried to convince my wife that our dog Pepper qualified but she wouldn't hear of it, so we joined.

Anyway, here's how you qualify....you send a $50.00 donation to the National Wildlife Federation and voila' you're in like Flynn. They even send you a neat plaque to hang on your fence alerting others (and the wildlife) that you now are one of the official "tree-huggers".

So each week or so I get in the car and go over to Walmart to purchase the Wildlife feed bag. This is a 40 lb bag (at $20 bucks) of wild bird seed for our winged friends that lasts 2 weeks. If you get specialty seeds its even more. We can't ask certain birds to eat just anything you know!! My wife also likes to see the Hummingbirds flit in and out, so once a week she cleans out the Hummingbird feeders and replaces sugar water for the lovely little teeny-weenies. I wish they'd stay around long enough to see what color they are but no such luck. They're in and out like your kids who come to dinner and leave 10 minutes after dessert!

Now on to the bird feeders. We have every imaginable variety of bird you could ask for, and even some you didn't ask for. For instance we now have a flock of Crows who visit frequently. Do you have any idea how ugly, large, and loud they are up close. They're black flying Turkeys! The Maryland Wildlife Bureau says you can't get rid of them until they're ready to leave. So I go outside and blow a whistle loud enough for them to look up for the moment and laugh at me. Problem is, the birds who land on the feeder don't necessarily like all the seeds on the menu, so they dump a lot of them on the ground for the crows, squirrels, and morning doves to eat.

Did I forget to tell you about Bambi and her friends. Would you like a temporary deer hunting license to come over here and "thin" the herd out? What about the "deer resistant" plants we spend so much money on? Don't the deer understand that they aren't supposed to like these plants that sell for $12.95 each??? Don't the deer understand that they're supposed to be afraid of humans and are not welcome up on our back porch to eat potted plants???

Doesn't this sound like fun? Get on your computer and go to NWF.org to join in the frivolity. You too can be a part of nature's best. Be patient because the animals have to live too you know!

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated...Mark Twain

Well, I'm back! Hospitals suck. There are too many nurses, too many doctors and too many wake-up calls in the middle of the night to see if you still have a pulse.

They say when you are out of it and in a near death experience you see a white light at the end of a tunnel. All I ever saw in the last two weeks was a red neon EMERGENCY sign.

I thought I was being a hero going through a third spinal surgery until the real problems showed up. While home recuperating from the back surgery (fused L1-5) I got these unbelievable pains in the belly that had nothing to do with all of the bills that came in the mail that day. After two episodes of that Geri took me to a local hospital in Towson on Charles Street where I whimpered for 2 hours before the triage folks finally felt they'd heard enough of my complaining and got me to a Doc. They brought in a surgeon who ordered lots of expensive tests and at 2:30 a.m. I was under the CatScan machine getting my insides on file. They took blood, x-rays, toe nail clippings, etc and finally, after staying the night, I was sent home with the suggestion that I keep an eye on the pain since it might involve the gall bladder. I told them I'd check into that every once in a while.

So two days later the pains come back stronger, only this time without a let-up and with a fever for extra measure. Back to my favorite EMERGENCY sign on Charles Street in Towson. This time, after the same expensive tests they decided that my gall bladder had no business being in my body any longer. So Emergency surgery was set up and into the OR I went. Recovery was tough since I still had this back surgery thing going. I tried to rent a hoist to get me up and out of bed but they said I had to do it myself.

A day later things were not going so smoothly. I was pretty well out of it, pain back, and healing not taking place. No details here since I don't want to try to remember this part. Anyway it was getting so bad that it was determinded by a couple of surgeons that another EMERGENCY surgery was needed to correct a problem at Ye Olde Gall Bladder Site. Since I had an "Open Door Policy" I gave them permission to enter my innards again, conveniently through the same front door they used two days before. This time they closed off a couple of leaking problems; I was properly sealed up and put back on the Psycho Ward.

Home now trying to find the humor in all this. Good thing I like to write since I relish talking about all this pain along the way. Nurses were great. Docs were great...I'll stick to athletics thank you very much.

See you at the ball park soon.

And thanks to Geri who is my Special Angel who got me through all this.

I Am Under House Arrest!!

I am under House Arrest! This was ordered for six weeks by Dr Rosenthal, my back surgeon, who told me not to screw this up this time. You see it took him 5 hours of surgery on 5/26 to correct my back problems, after three previous surgeries, which if you'd like a choice were caused by splitting 2 cords of wood, umpiring 50 college softball games, bearing the weight of way too anxious physical therapists, or all of the above.

So here I am sitting in the sun trying to make important decisions during this Home Detention: when to shower, what to eat for lunch, which cable news to watch or how many hours I can play online Scrabble.

I've got to be careful after this surgery because the great Doc told me the last fusion didn't take (he didn't do it, another guy did). He also gave me the lovely news that one of my previous stainless steel screws BROKE! I thought stainless couldn't break.

So I'm going to be a good boy for the next six weeks. After that there's wood to split, patios to build, mulch to throw, etc (JUST KIDDING!)

My Day at the Radiology Center

So my back surgeon wants me to get a Myelogram/CT Scan at a local hospital which shall remain nameless since I have a 5-hour back fusion surgery scheduled there soon. I show up at 8:50 for a 9:00 a.m. appointment. The Doc walks in at 9:00 a.m. and introduces himself. We chat for a while and I tell him I'm into swimming for exercise. He tells me he's planning to build a pool in his backyard so maybe I could give him a few tips. I tell him tip #1 is NOT to build a pool and to go to the "Y" for swimming. I then tell him if he wants to know tip #2 then refer to tip #1.

Anyway, he tells me to wait for the tech who will take me in the back and prep me for the pleasure of his sticking a 4-inch needle filled with dye into my spine so the surgeon will be able to see where my nerves are pinched. I could have pointed to the area but he said that wasn't good enough.

So here I am on a stainless steel table with a comfy mat about 3/4 of an inch thick and he tells me to make myself as comfortable as possible. Didn't Marie Antoinette's executioner tell her the same thing?

I wait in a facedown position for about 15 minutes and the tech comes in again and wants to know if the Doc showed up yet. I say no, but if he wants to cancel that's OK with me. He gets on the phone and pages the Doc, telling him to report to the Myelogram room. 15 minutes later he pages him again. This went on 4 times!!! Now my back is burning from staying in this same position for more than 30 minutes waiting for Dr. Kavorkian to show up. After the final page I tell the tech if he's not here in the next 5 minutes I'm getting off this table and leaving. 2 minutes later he shows. No explanation but a big smile. I figure discretion is the better part of valor (Shakespeare for those of you unaware), so I don't say anything as he picks up his pal... THE NEEDLE. Not too bad after the numbing part.

I leave the room and go for a CT Scan. That was easy and took 15 minutes. The tech tells me to wait in the patient's waiting area and he'll bring the Myelogram/CT Scan results on CDs for my surgeon. He comes out 15 minutes later and tells me "The Myelogram is worthless but the CT Scan was good". Now I'm furious but I didn't want to upset an already upset waiting room so I left.

Today I met with my surgeon and I started out by telling him of my experiences at his favorite hospital. He puts the Myelogram CD into his computer and tells me that there is nothing wrong with the CD!! Go figure. You just don't know whom to believe these days. Since I'll be laid up for 6 weeks, I'll have plenty of time to write more blogs. Aren't you all really happy for that?

My Day in the ESPN Sun

I am a collegiate softball umpire. After 6 years of doing this I'm still trying to find out why some people consider this a glamorous profession. The ladies are bigger, stronger, older, throw harder, hit farther but are not necessarily better than the best high school players around. Lots of traveling and 6-8 hour days for double-headers.

From the time you start umpiring NCAA softball it's drummed into your head that every call you make may be taking bread off the table of the D1 coach. Many of these folks are full-time coaches and, believe me, some really act like it! In fact a college coach whom I saw on last Friday was fired by email over the weekend and watched her team play from the bleachers that Monday.

...So I'm assigned to a series at the D1 level in Delaware who are playing a rival conference team from Virginia. I'm the crew chief which adds a little more pressure into this scenario. A week before the weekend series I'm informed by the college assigner that the game will be telecast on ESPNU which is part of the vast ESPN programming. My assigner informs me that I should remember that our crew is representing college umpires in general and especially the conference I'm working in. One umpire is coming from Virginia and the other is from upstate New York.

After the third call from my college assigner informing me that this game was very important and that we were representing the conference I got the idea that this was an important event.

On the day of the game I left Baltimore at 11:00am traveling to Delaware so as to arrive by 12:30 pm to be ready for the 2:00 pm start. Of course the game was originally scheduled for 1pm but the ESPN folks decided they had to move it up an hour. That added even more pressure since my wife and I had tickets to the theatre at 6:30 pm that evening.

When I got to the field there were ESPN people everywhere. There were five cameras stationed at every conceivable angle. I met with the ESPN rep and was told that he had received a call from my conference assigner to remind me how important this game was (4th reminder!).

It was 97 degrees on the field at game time. I was at 1st base in the 3-man crew. I was sweating so profusely that I couldn't even wear sunglasses. In the 2nd inning I turned to chase a foul ball and looked right into the sun. Needless to say the home plate umpire had to make the call. Two bang-bangs later (for those of you uninformed that's really, I mean REALLY, close plays at a base). And no matter what Jim Palmer says, the "Tie Does Not Go To The Runner!" I was wondering if I had the calls right. Oh, did I forget to tell you that I was told the female in the broadcast crew hated umpires?

Anyway, we somehow got through this whole thing and after 2 hours in the blazing sun, with commercials holding up the game after every inning, the home team won by a shutout, 5-0. I ran straight to the ESPN truck after the game and asked the Director one question, "Did You Use Replay?" He smiled and said "No".

I raced home and we made it to the theatre 15 minutes before show-time. I had more pressure trying to make the show then umpiring in the game!!!

Scrabble Freak!!

For those of you who have watched me avoid the friendly family table games at home after holiday dinners...I apologize.

With the advent of Facebook's Scramble, I became a game freak. If you've ever played Facebook's Scramble you know it can be addicting. However, in my attempt to try something new, I searched online for a free online SCRABBLE game and I found it. It's on a site called POGO.COM. You logon and you can start playing with an alias name that you make up. They start you off with 10,000 points and you continue earning points while playing.

I need an antidote for this because I find myself playing this POGO Scrabble game for hours on end. I cuss out loud when my challenger covers a spot I want and wonder at some of these words the big shots come up with, i.e. "za", "qi" (I didn't even know you could have a "q" word without a "u" following it)!

Anyway, I've learned a lot of new words from doing this. There is even a "chat" engine so you can holler at your opponent when they beat your butt! Now I'll have to start playing the family because I'll have no excuses. My 90 year-old Mother-in-Law, Stella, is gonna want me to play her. I really enjoy having her around but is she gonna believe me when I come up with a word like "QANATS" ??