I am under House Arrest! This was ordered for six weeks by Dr Rosenthal, my back surgeon, who told me not to screw this up this time. You see it took him 5 hours of surgery on 5/26 to correct my back problems, after three previous surgeries, which if you'd like a choice were caused by splitting 2 cords of wood, umpiring 50 college softball games, bearing the weight of way too anxious physical therapists, or all of the above.
So here I am sitting in the sun trying to make important decisions during this Home Detention: when to shower, what to eat for lunch, which cable news to watch or how many hours I can play online Scrabble.
I've got to be careful after this surgery because the great Doc told me the last fusion didn't take (he didn't do it, another guy did). He also gave me the lovely news that one of my previous stainless steel screws BROKE! I thought stainless couldn't break.
So I'm going to be a good boy for the next six weeks. After that there's wood to split, patios to build, mulch to throw, etc (JUST KIDDING!)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My Day at the Radiology Center
So my back surgeon wants me to get a Myelogram/CT Scan at a local hospital which shall remain nameless since I have a 5-hour back fusion surgery scheduled there soon. I show up at 8:50 for a 9:00 a.m. appointment. The Doc walks in at 9:00 a.m. and introduces himself. We chat for a while and I tell him I'm into swimming for exercise. He tells me he's planning to build a pool in his backyard so maybe I could give him a few tips. I tell him tip #1 is NOT to build a pool and to go to the "Y" for swimming. I then tell him if he wants to know tip #2 then refer to tip #1.
Anyway, he tells me to wait for the tech who will take me in the back and prep me for the pleasure of his sticking a 4-inch needle filled with dye into my spine so the surgeon will be able to see where my nerves are pinched. I could have pointed to the area but he said that wasn't good enough.
So here I am on a stainless steel table with a comfy mat about 3/4 of an inch thick and he tells me to make myself as comfortable as possible. Didn't Marie Antoinette's executioner tell her the same thing?
I wait in a facedown position for about 15 minutes and the tech comes in again and wants to know if the Doc showed up yet. I say no, but if he wants to cancel that's OK with me. He gets on the phone and pages the Doc, telling him to report to the Myelogram room. 15 minutes later he pages him again. This went on 4 times!!! Now my back is burning from staying in this same position for more than 30 minutes waiting for Dr. Kavorkian to show up. After the final page I tell the tech if he's not here in the next 5 minutes I'm getting off this table and leaving. 2 minutes later he shows. No explanation but a big smile. I figure discretion is the better part of valor (Shakespeare for those of you unaware), so I don't say anything as he picks up his pal... THE NEEDLE. Not too bad after the numbing part.
I leave the room and go for a CT Scan. That was easy and took 15 minutes. The tech tells me to wait in the patient's waiting area and he'll bring the Myelogram/CT Scan results on CDs for my surgeon. He comes out 15 minutes later and tells me "The Myelogram is worthless but the CT Scan was good". Now I'm furious but I didn't want to upset an already upset waiting room so I left.
Today I met with my surgeon and I started out by telling him of my experiences at his favorite hospital. He puts the Myelogram CD into his computer and tells me that there is nothing wrong with the CD!! Go figure. You just don't know whom to believe these days. Since I'll be laid up for 6 weeks, I'll have plenty of time to write more blogs. Aren't you all really happy for that?
Anyway, he tells me to wait for the tech who will take me in the back and prep me for the pleasure of his sticking a 4-inch needle filled with dye into my spine so the surgeon will be able to see where my nerves are pinched. I could have pointed to the area but he said that wasn't good enough.
So here I am on a stainless steel table with a comfy mat about 3/4 of an inch thick and he tells me to make myself as comfortable as possible. Didn't Marie Antoinette's executioner tell her the same thing?
I wait in a facedown position for about 15 minutes and the tech comes in again and wants to know if the Doc showed up yet. I say no, but if he wants to cancel that's OK with me. He gets on the phone and pages the Doc, telling him to report to the Myelogram room. 15 minutes later he pages him again. This went on 4 times!!! Now my back is burning from staying in this same position for more than 30 minutes waiting for Dr. Kavorkian to show up. After the final page I tell the tech if he's not here in the next 5 minutes I'm getting off this table and leaving. 2 minutes later he shows. No explanation but a big smile. I figure discretion is the better part of valor (Shakespeare for those of you unaware), so I don't say anything as he picks up his pal... THE NEEDLE. Not too bad after the numbing part.
I leave the room and go for a CT Scan. That was easy and took 15 minutes. The tech tells me to wait in the patient's waiting area and he'll bring the Myelogram/CT Scan results on CDs for my surgeon. He comes out 15 minutes later and tells me "The Myelogram is worthless but the CT Scan was good". Now I'm furious but I didn't want to upset an already upset waiting room so I left.
Today I met with my surgeon and I started out by telling him of my experiences at his favorite hospital. He puts the Myelogram CD into his computer and tells me that there is nothing wrong with the CD!! Go figure. You just don't know whom to believe these days. Since I'll be laid up for 6 weeks, I'll have plenty of time to write more blogs. Aren't you all really happy for that?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
My Day in the ESPN Sun
I am a collegiate softball umpire. After 6 years of doing this I'm still trying to find out why some people consider this a glamorous profession. The ladies are bigger, stronger, older, throw harder, hit farther but are not necessarily better than the best high school players around. Lots of traveling and 6-8 hour days for double-headers.
From the time you start umpiring NCAA softball it's drummed into your head that every call you make may be taking bread off the table of the D1 coach. Many of these folks are full-time coaches and, believe me, some really act like it! In fact a college coach whom I saw on last Friday was fired by email over the weekend and watched her team play from the bleachers that Monday.
...So I'm assigned to a series at the D1 level in Delaware who are playing a rival conference team from Virginia. I'm the crew chief which adds a little more pressure into this scenario. A week before the weekend series I'm informed by the college assigner that the game will be telecast on ESPNU which is part of the vast ESPN programming. My assigner informs me that I should remember that our crew is representing college umpires in general and especially the conference I'm working in. One umpire is coming from Virginia and the other is from upstate New York.
After the third call from my college assigner informing me that this game was very important and that we were representing the conference I got the idea that this was an important event.
On the day of the game I left Baltimore at 11:00am traveling to Delaware so as to arrive by 12:30 pm to be ready for the 2:00 pm start. Of course the game was originally scheduled for 1pm but the ESPN folks decided they had to move it up an hour. That added even more pressure since my wife and I had tickets to the theatre at 6:30 pm that evening.
When I got to the field there were ESPN people everywhere. There were five cameras stationed at every conceivable angle. I met with the ESPN rep and was told that he had received a call from my conference assigner to remind me how important this game was (4th reminder!).
It was 97 degrees on the field at game time. I was at 1st base in the 3-man crew. I was sweating so profusely that I couldn't even wear sunglasses. In the 2nd inning I turned to chase a foul ball and looked right into the sun. Needless to say the home plate umpire had to make the call. Two bang-bangs later (for those of you uninformed that's really, I mean REALLY, close plays at a base). And no matter what Jim Palmer says, the "Tie Does Not Go To The Runner!" I was wondering if I had the calls right. Oh, did I forget to tell you that I was told the female in the broadcast crew hated umpires?
Anyway, we somehow got through this whole thing and after 2 hours in the blazing sun, with commercials holding up the game after every inning, the home team won by a shutout, 5-0. I ran straight to the ESPN truck after the game and asked the Director one question, "Did You Use Replay?" He smiled and said "No".
I raced home and we made it to the theatre 15 minutes before show-time. I had more pressure trying to make the show then umpiring in the game!!!
From the time you start umpiring NCAA softball it's drummed into your head that every call you make may be taking bread off the table of the D1 coach. Many of these folks are full-time coaches and, believe me, some really act like it! In fact a college coach whom I saw on last Friday was fired by email over the weekend and watched her team play from the bleachers that Monday.
...So I'm assigned to a series at the D1 level in Delaware who are playing a rival conference team from Virginia. I'm the crew chief which adds a little more pressure into this scenario. A week before the weekend series I'm informed by the college assigner that the game will be telecast on ESPNU which is part of the vast ESPN programming. My assigner informs me that I should remember that our crew is representing college umpires in general and especially the conference I'm working in. One umpire is coming from Virginia and the other is from upstate New York.
After the third call from my college assigner informing me that this game was very important and that we were representing the conference I got the idea that this was an important event.
On the day of the game I left Baltimore at 11:00am traveling to Delaware so as to arrive by 12:30 pm to be ready for the 2:00 pm start. Of course the game was originally scheduled for 1pm but the ESPN folks decided they had to move it up an hour. That added even more pressure since my wife and I had tickets to the theatre at 6:30 pm that evening.
When I got to the field there were ESPN people everywhere. There were five cameras stationed at every conceivable angle. I met with the ESPN rep and was told that he had received a call from my conference assigner to remind me how important this game was (4th reminder!).
It was 97 degrees on the field at game time. I was at 1st base in the 3-man crew. I was sweating so profusely that I couldn't even wear sunglasses. In the 2nd inning I turned to chase a foul ball and looked right into the sun. Needless to say the home plate umpire had to make the call. Two bang-bangs later (for those of you uninformed that's really, I mean REALLY, close plays at a base). And no matter what Jim Palmer says, the "Tie Does Not Go To The Runner!" I was wondering if I had the calls right. Oh, did I forget to tell you that I was told the female in the broadcast crew hated umpires?
Anyway, we somehow got through this whole thing and after 2 hours in the blazing sun, with commercials holding up the game after every inning, the home team won by a shutout, 5-0. I ran straight to the ESPN truck after the game and asked the Director one question, "Did You Use Replay?" He smiled and said "No".
I raced home and we made it to the theatre 15 minutes before show-time. I had more pressure trying to make the show then umpiring in the game!!!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Scrabble Freak!!
For those of you who have watched me avoid the friendly family table games at home after holiday dinners...I apologize.
With the advent of Facebook's Scramble, I became a game freak. If you've ever played Facebook's Scramble you know it can be addicting. However, in my attempt to try something new, I searched online for a free online SCRABBLE game and I found it. It's on a site called POGO.COM. You logon and you can start playing with an alias name that you make up. They start you off with 10,000 points and you continue earning points while playing.
I need an antidote for this because I find myself playing this POGO Scrabble game for hours on end. I cuss out loud when my challenger covers a spot I want and wonder at some of these words the big shots come up with, i.e. "za", "qi" (I didn't even know you could have a "q" word without a "u" following it)!
Anyway, I've learned a lot of new words from doing this. There is even a "chat" engine so you can holler at your opponent when they beat your butt! Now I'll have to start playing the family because I'll have no excuses. My 90 year-old Mother-in-Law, Stella, is gonna want me to play her. I really enjoy having her around but is she gonna believe me when I come up with a word like "QANATS" ??
With the advent of Facebook's Scramble, I became a game freak. If you've ever played Facebook's Scramble you know it can be addicting. However, in my attempt to try something new, I searched online for a free online SCRABBLE game and I found it. It's on a site called POGO.COM. You logon and you can start playing with an alias name that you make up. They start you off with 10,000 points and you continue earning points while playing.
I need an antidote for this because I find myself playing this POGO Scrabble game for hours on end. I cuss out loud when my challenger covers a spot I want and wonder at some of these words the big shots come up with, i.e. "za", "qi" (I didn't even know you could have a "q" word without a "u" following it)!
Anyway, I've learned a lot of new words from doing this. There is even a "chat" engine so you can holler at your opponent when they beat your butt! Now I'll have to start playing the family because I'll have no excuses. My 90 year-old Mother-in-Law, Stella, is gonna want me to play her. I really enjoy having her around but is she gonna believe me when I come up with a word like "QANATS" ??
Friday, March 27, 2009
Why Would You Pick Verizon Phone Service?
About a week ago we were awakened at 1:30 a.m. by our Slomin Alarm System SIREN! I ran through the house expecting to find an intruder. I banged into a wall, since I was half asleep, and busted my head as well as cut up my foot. My son, who is temporarily staying with us in a downstairs apt ran through a door to get to me and broke the door. Neither of us could find anyone in the house and I shut off the alarm. There was no warning beep prior to the alarm siren (which was deafening) going off. We called Slomin and were told that if phone power is cut off for 15 seconds or more the alarm system activates without any warning beep in the siren emergency mode.
After cleaning up the blood on the carpet from my wounds we went back to sleep, I called Verizon Customer service the next morning and after reviewing all of his notes the CSR told me there was no cut-off in power in any of his information. I then called Slomin and was told, for the 2nd time, that it was Verizon's fault for cutting off power to the phone. Again I called Verizon Customer Service and was told they had no information. I demanded that they connect me with a supervisor. Twenty minutes later ( as I was on hold) a supervisor came on the line and read the previous notes on my account. She told me that she would investigate and get back to me the next day. She called the next day to report that, in fact, it was Verizon's fault. Apparently there was trouble in the FIOS lines and they were repairing the problem in the middle of the night, assuming it wouldn't impact on any customers. They forgot that many of us have alarm systems tied into the phone lines.
Each night the same supervisor has been calling me to report that the "ticket is still open" and that repairs have not been completed.
What would have happened if I had not demanded that a supervisor talk to me? I believe that Verizon's Customer Service and communications with customers is POOR at best; I had bad experiences before. As I wait for the repair, my wounds are healing but the downstairs door is still broken. The supervisor told me that Verizon would take care of that but so far no one has contacted me about it. I think I will share this story with a couple of major market TV stations as well as my Blogger friends.
After cleaning up the blood on the carpet from my wounds we went back to sleep, I called Verizon Customer service the next morning and after reviewing all of his notes the CSR told me there was no cut-off in power in any of his information. I then called Slomin and was told, for the 2nd time, that it was Verizon's fault for cutting off power to the phone. Again I called Verizon Customer Service and was told they had no information. I demanded that they connect me with a supervisor. Twenty minutes later ( as I was on hold) a supervisor came on the line and read the previous notes on my account. She told me that she would investigate and get back to me the next day. She called the next day to report that, in fact, it was Verizon's fault. Apparently there was trouble in the FIOS lines and they were repairing the problem in the middle of the night, assuming it wouldn't impact on any customers. They forgot that many of us have alarm systems tied into the phone lines.
Each night the same supervisor has been calling me to report that the "ticket is still open" and that repairs have not been completed.
What would have happened if I had not demanded that a supervisor talk to me? I believe that Verizon's Customer Service and communications with customers is POOR at best; I had bad experiences before. As I wait for the repair, my wounds are healing but the downstairs door is still broken. The supervisor told me that Verizon would take care of that but so far no one has contacted me about it. I think I will share this story with a couple of major market TV stations as well as my Blogger friends.
Monday, March 16, 2009
The Colors of RED and GREEN
There’s something about the colors of RED and GREEN that can make or break your entire day. Why are we so disposed to changing attitudes when either of these colors show up? For one, RED is not as "feel good" as other colors. Stop Signs are RED. I need to get somewhere fast and that color keeps me from movin' on. Same thing with RED stop lights on the street. Again I’ve got to stop! The RED Light district leads to the downfall of men! Women with RED hair who work in the RED light district can be a double whammy! Fire extinguishers are colored RED. If you have to use one that’s not good. In the RED Badge of Courage, lots of soldiers in the Civil War got killed. Mars is the RED Planet. There’s no air to breathe so that’s not good. Hot Pepper sauce comes in a RED bottle. I broke one of them at home the other day and it spilled all over the kitchen floor. Believe me that wasn’t good.
Now for the color GREEN. GREEN grass makes you feel good…nothing like laying down in the grass under a tree in the Spring on St Patty's Day with a GREEN beer. GREEN is the color of the new attitude with the environment. GREEN plants in the house give you oxygen (unless you forget to water them like I do). GREEN is the color of vegetables that are good for us even though you hated your Mother for shoving them in front of your face.
I could go on and on but I’m starting to sound more and more like Andy Rooney (I’d better check the length of my eyebrows).
I forgot to tell you that the most pleasant GREEN that I have been looking at lately is the color of the numbers on my Stock list. They were all RED under George Bush (didn't I see him with RED eyes during one Press Conference?)
Now for the color GREEN. GREEN grass makes you feel good…nothing like laying down in the grass under a tree in the Spring on St Patty's Day with a GREEN beer. GREEN is the color of the new attitude with the environment. GREEN plants in the house give you oxygen (unless you forget to water them like I do). GREEN is the color of vegetables that are good for us even though you hated your Mother for shoving them in front of your face.
I could go on and on but I’m starting to sound more and more like Andy Rooney (I’d better check the length of my eyebrows).
I forgot to tell you that the most pleasant GREEN that I have been looking at lately is the color of the numbers on my Stock list. They were all RED under George Bush (didn't I see him with RED eyes during one Press Conference?)
Monday, February 23, 2009
A Day in Caya Costa
While in Southwest Florida we planned a trip to Caya Costa, a National Park Island about a 30 minute drive from Ft Myers Beach. You have to travel through Sanibel and Captiva to get to a marina where you catch a launch to Caya Costa. The old bridge from Ft Myers to Sanibel was replaced a few years ago. The big money in Sanibel wanted to keep the "riff raff" of Ft Myers from easy access to Sanibel so they instituted a $6.00 toll across the bridge.
Anyway, we arrived at the marina at 8:30 a.m. to catch the launch. We passed the most ostentatious homes imaginable on the way. Two of the homes (one looked like the White House and the other looked like the White House Junior) were being built by the Kohler Family, plumbing Czars.
The crew invited us on the boat and we scrambled for seats for our 9:00 a.m. departure. At 9:00 a.m. the captain indicated that we were going to wait a few minutes for a couple who were on their way. 10 minutes later the young folks showed up to a round of applause. We had a good laugh.
Captain Nemo (I forgot his name) took us into the channel and pointed us toward Caya Costa. Everyone on the boat had a high degree of excitement based on the knowledge that this beach was suppose to be the 3rd best shelling beach in the world!
Just before we arrived the 1st Mate (there was no 2nd or 3rd mate) asked for our attention and used a microphone to make sure we paid attention. He established a time for return. We had to be at the boat at 11:25 a.m. sharp. He asked all of us to synchronize our watches and cell phones to make sure we were on time.
We walked around to the Gulf side of the island and Lo and Behold... I never saw so many sea shells in my life! The landing party was salivating. They sell this stuff for good money in dinky little shell shops (say that three times fast). I was enthralled for about 20 minutes. Then I pulled up my trusty beach chair, my book, and watched the others fight over any shells that looked a little different.
At 11:10 I called my wife Geri and told her we needed to get back to the boat. At 11:25 Captain Courageous (I forgot his name) and his Assistant Captain (the guy was promoted while we were anchored) started counting the people on board. There were supposed to be 29 but they counted twice and only came up with 27. We looked around and guess who was missing ?? You guessed it, Mr. and Ms. Johnnie C. Lately. We voted to leave them but Captain Gulliver told us by law he could not do that . So he left the boat and walked around to the other side of the island. He returned to announce that they were no where to be found. So Captain Jack had this idea to ride around the island and blow his substantially loud horn until we could find them.
About a mile or so up the beach we spotted them. They were casually walking along the beach while several of us (including yours truly) were screaming words of encouragement and offering coded signals with our middle fingers. Captain Video pulled the boat up to the edge of the beach but couldn't get close enough for them to reach the boat ladder without wading in the water. The lady perpetrator yelled to us, "I can't do this because I can't swim!". I yelled back, "You obviously can't tell time either!"
Everyone on the boat was really pissed. They decided not to applaud this time when they entered the boat. No one said anything (except your truly). When Lady Dracula passed by me I looked her in the eye and said "The first time it was funny, the second time it wasn't". She looked away to avoid the expression on my face.
We arrived back 45 minutes late but they didn't charge us for the extra time.
It was a lovely day!!
Anyway, we arrived at the marina at 8:30 a.m. to catch the launch. We passed the most ostentatious homes imaginable on the way. Two of the homes (one looked like the White House and the other looked like the White House Junior) were being built by the Kohler Family, plumbing Czars.
The crew invited us on the boat and we scrambled for seats for our 9:00 a.m. departure. At 9:00 a.m. the captain indicated that we were going to wait a few minutes for a couple who were on their way. 10 minutes later the young folks showed up to a round of applause. We had a good laugh.
Captain Nemo (I forgot his name) took us into the channel and pointed us toward Caya Costa. Everyone on the boat had a high degree of excitement based on the knowledge that this beach was suppose to be the 3rd best shelling beach in the world!
Just before we arrived the 1st Mate (there was no 2nd or 3rd mate) asked for our attention and used a microphone to make sure we paid attention. He established a time for return. We had to be at the boat at 11:25 a.m. sharp. He asked all of us to synchronize our watches and cell phones to make sure we were on time.
We walked around to the Gulf side of the island and Lo and Behold... I never saw so many sea shells in my life! The landing party was salivating. They sell this stuff for good money in dinky little shell shops (say that three times fast). I was enthralled for about 20 minutes. Then I pulled up my trusty beach chair, my book, and watched the others fight over any shells that looked a little different.
At 11:10 I called my wife Geri and told her we needed to get back to the boat. At 11:25 Captain Courageous (I forgot his name) and his Assistant Captain (the guy was promoted while we were anchored) started counting the people on board. There were supposed to be 29 but they counted twice and only came up with 27. We looked around and guess who was missing ?? You guessed it, Mr. and Ms. Johnnie C. Lately. We voted to leave them but Captain Gulliver told us by law he could not do that . So he left the boat and walked around to the other side of the island. He returned to announce that they were no where to be found. So Captain Jack had this idea to ride around the island and blow his substantially loud horn until we could find them.
About a mile or so up the beach we spotted them. They were casually walking along the beach while several of us (including yours truly) were screaming words of encouragement and offering coded signals with our middle fingers. Captain Video pulled the boat up to the edge of the beach but couldn't get close enough for them to reach the boat ladder without wading in the water. The lady perpetrator yelled to us, "I can't do this because I can't swim!". I yelled back, "You obviously can't tell time either!"
Everyone on the boat was really pissed. They decided not to applaud this time when they entered the boat. No one said anything (except your truly). When Lady Dracula passed by me I looked her in the eye and said "The first time it was funny, the second time it wasn't". She looked away to avoid the expression on my face.
We arrived back 45 minutes late but they didn't charge us for the extra time.
It was a lovely day!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)