June 7, 2010, a day that will live in Infamy, the United States Government, in their infinite wisdom, tags me with the official title of SENIOR! After contributing to some innocuous category in my paycheck stub for too many years (Medicare Wages), I'm very close to cashing in on the rewards.
I started getting letters in the mail from every healthcare insurance company in the Continental U.S. offering me a unique opportunity to buy into plans that would assist me after Medicare quit paying. How did these companies get my address anyhow?
Should I consider myself old now? I feel pretty good...still swim 1200 yards three times a week...still umpire college and high school softball...still walk 2 miles outside without wheezing. I'm thinking of trying "Just for Men". If I get the gray out and send pictures to the Government maybe they'll create a special category for me..."Senior...but at the top of his game".
So I threw all of those lovely invitations to have corporate help take care of me in my waning years right in the recycling bin. Blue Cross-Blue Shield is my pal. They'll take care of me when I forget where I live.
But right now I'm heading for the "Y" to swim my 1200 yards and get a free cup of coffee that the Y offers to the morning people. Isn't that what Seniors do????
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Thank You American Idol
I am a very light sleeper. I envy all of you who can fall asleep right away and stay asleep for more then 6 hours every night. I can't remember the last time I got 6+ hours of continuous sleep. However I've found the solution. No it's not Ambien, or Niquil or Benedryl...those make me drousy the next day. The solution is AMERICAN IDOL!
When American Idol comes on, my wife and all of her friends go into a state of temporary coma. They become affixed to the TV and do not pause for anything until it's completion. Bathroom, telephone, home invasion...all are put on hold. When that show comes on I go into the bedroom, put on some soft music and fall asleep almost immediately!
How can you guys stand that show? It's like watching an x-rated horror movie. You know something bad is going to happen, you just don't know when. And what's this guy Brian Sequist supposed to be doing? I'd rather resurrect Jack Parr, Merv Griffin, or Johnny Carson to host that show! The only honest person on the program is Simon Cowell. How come the audience "boos" him so much when he's always right? And that guy Randy... why does he call everybody "dog". Aren't they (or you) offended by that? And Ellen Degenerate, she loves everybody.
Well somebody is making a lot of money on this stuff. I heard Simon has more money than Bill Gates and Simon can't even use a computer. And what's up with him wearing T-Shirts on Prime Time television. He's probably selling his T's at K-Mart.
Will this show go on for ever? I hope so, it gives me a good night's sleep!
When American Idol comes on, my wife and all of her friends go into a state of temporary coma. They become affixed to the TV and do not pause for anything until it's completion. Bathroom, telephone, home invasion...all are put on hold. When that show comes on I go into the bedroom, put on some soft music and fall asleep almost immediately!
How can you guys stand that show? It's like watching an x-rated horror movie. You know something bad is going to happen, you just don't know when. And what's this guy Brian Sequist supposed to be doing? I'd rather resurrect Jack Parr, Merv Griffin, or Johnny Carson to host that show! The only honest person on the program is Simon Cowell. How come the audience "boos" him so much when he's always right? And that guy Randy... why does he call everybody "dog". Aren't they (or you) offended by that? And Ellen Degenerate, she loves everybody.
Well somebody is making a lot of money on this stuff. I heard Simon has more money than Bill Gates and Simon can't even use a computer. And what's up with him wearing T-Shirts on Prime Time television. He's probably selling his T's at K-Mart.
Will this show go on for ever? I hope so, it gives me a good night's sleep!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Musings On Our Return From The Equator
Ok, so we weren't really near the Equator but I'll bet we were a hell of a lot closer to it in SW Florida then most of you were!
I have a few observations/questions about our visit to Ft Myers Beach and its environs:
• SW Florida has no right to offer February temperatures like we had...50's/60's daytime and 40s at night;
• I'll bet those visitors who had nothing to do but walk on the beach will not exercise at all when they get home;
• Why do women walking on the beach have to flail their arms so much when they walk?
• What's the big deal about bringing home chocolate alligators?
• A Prius gets sucky gas mileage when there's a Kayak filled with 100lbs of oranges & grapefruit and 200 lbs of luggage;
• The State of South Carolina should invest in fences along I-95; we passed three herd of deer having a snack 10 ft from the highway while we were going 70 mph with 18-wheelers on our heels;
• Why did Cracker Barrel display signs on the highway to join them for lunch... and when we traveled 2 miles off I-95 to get there the restaurant hadn't even been built yet?
Was the 18 hour trip worth it? You bet, getting away is great! How many years til your retirement?
I have a few observations/questions about our visit to Ft Myers Beach and its environs:
• SW Florida has no right to offer February temperatures like we had...50's/60's daytime and 40s at night;
• I'll bet those visitors who had nothing to do but walk on the beach will not exercise at all when they get home;
• Why do women walking on the beach have to flail their arms so much when they walk?
• What's the big deal about bringing home chocolate alligators?
• A Prius gets sucky gas mileage when there's a Kayak filled with 100lbs of oranges & grapefruit and 200 lbs of luggage;
• The State of South Carolina should invest in fences along I-95; we passed three herd of deer having a snack 10 ft from the highway while we were going 70 mph with 18-wheelers on our heels;
• Why did Cracker Barrel display signs on the highway to join them for lunch... and when we traveled 2 miles off I-95 to get there the restaurant hadn't even been built yet?
Was the 18 hour trip worth it? You bet, getting away is great! How many years til your retirement?
Friday, February 5, 2010
Travelogue: Florida or Bust
I'm sure my readers have read interesting stories of exciting travels. Here's mine...
We plan our annual trek to Florida for the month of February. That seemed like the best time for us to get away given our schedules. Three days before our departure the weatherman started his warning calls. It seems that extremely heavy snow was predicted the second we pulled out of the driveway. Using better judgement, we decided to wait until early afternoon to travel instead of early morning. We were all packed up and ready to go....1st mistake!
Looking at the Weather Channel we saw that the storm was moving quickly so it looked good for us to leave around 1pm. So off we went heading for the highways. But first, Geri insisted we stop by our son's house and pick up a fishing rod....2nd mistake! The roads leading to his house were treacherous. The side streets were almost impassable and we hadn't even left Baltimore City yet!
I assured my wife that the major highways would be salted and cleared so that travel on the Interstates would be a joy....3rd mistake! There was so much snow on I-95 that even the 18-wheelers couldn't see the lanes they were in. I just picked a spot behind the 18-wheelers and rode in their ruts. We passed at least 10 vehicles stranded in the gullies between the North and South sides of the highway.
This pattern was as our sole source of travel until we arrived at Rocky Mount, North Carolina, some 8 hours later. The trip would have been made in 5 hours under regular conditions. Our average speed was 35 MPH. It was 17 degrees with a 20 MPH wind blowing.
The next morning we were up early, ate a free Continental Breakfast (not sure which Continent it was supposed to be from). We left Rocky Mount heading South. Driving down the street from the hotel we couldn't find the exit back onto I-95. When we spotted it, there was about 20 feet between where were were (I think we were on a road) and the exit. I brazenly pulled into the medium strip to get to the exit and got stuck in the snow. First I drove and Geri pushed, then Geri drove and I pushed. After 10 minutes of this waltz we got the Prius out. Thanks to all the drivers who rode by us without stopping!
Did I forget to tell you that the gas meter registered "E" and it was BLINKING! When it blinks that means "don't be stupid, get to a gas station right away". We asked our trusty English Waitress on the Garman where the closest gas station was and she gave us some phone numbers. It was 7:30am and in the first three, no one answered. I was getting a little worried but my macho face never showed it. On the fifth call a guy answered and said he was open. After giving him her Polish Blessing, my wife gathered the directions to his oasis.
Back again on I-95 heading South. No salt, no snow plows, no lane lines, and plenty of ice. I can deal with snow, even on the Interstate, but not ice. Those crazy 18-wheelers must think snow and ice don't apply to them the way they sped past us. So thanks to the States of Virginia and North Carolina who would rather invest in keeping the exits open to their convenience stores than plow the main highways.
All of a sudden, when we passed Pedro's "South of the Border" the snow and ice started to disappear. South Carolina was our Saviour. The trip from there was great, averaging 70 MPH. We had a 13-hour trip that day to get to Ft Myers Beach. Even though I suggested getting some empty bottles so we wouldn't have to stop at restrooms, my crew wouldn't hear of that. Wife and dog Pepper insisted on three or four stops.
So we flew along all the way until 30 minutes short of our final destination. Geri checked the iPhone map and there was a long RED LINE on the screen indicating traffic stopped. We lost at least 30 minutes there and I still don't know why. We arrived at Ft Myers Beach at 11pm after leaving Rocky Mount at 7am.
Oh, did I forget to tell you it rained in Ft M B the next two days!!!
We plan our annual trek to Florida for the month of February. That seemed like the best time for us to get away given our schedules. Three days before our departure the weatherman started his warning calls. It seems that extremely heavy snow was predicted the second we pulled out of the driveway. Using better judgement, we decided to wait until early afternoon to travel instead of early morning. We were all packed up and ready to go....1st mistake!
Looking at the Weather Channel we saw that the storm was moving quickly so it looked good for us to leave around 1pm. So off we went heading for the highways. But first, Geri insisted we stop by our son's house and pick up a fishing rod....2nd mistake! The roads leading to his house were treacherous. The side streets were almost impassable and we hadn't even left Baltimore City yet!
I assured my wife that the major highways would be salted and cleared so that travel on the Interstates would be a joy....3rd mistake! There was so much snow on I-95 that even the 18-wheelers couldn't see the lanes they were in. I just picked a spot behind the 18-wheelers and rode in their ruts. We passed at least 10 vehicles stranded in the gullies between the North and South sides of the highway.
This pattern was as our sole source of travel until we arrived at Rocky Mount, North Carolina, some 8 hours later. The trip would have been made in 5 hours under regular conditions. Our average speed was 35 MPH. It was 17 degrees with a 20 MPH wind blowing.
The next morning we were up early, ate a free Continental Breakfast (not sure which Continent it was supposed to be from). We left Rocky Mount heading South. Driving down the street from the hotel we couldn't find the exit back onto I-95. When we spotted it, there was about 20 feet between where were were (I think we were on a road) and the exit. I brazenly pulled into the medium strip to get to the exit and got stuck in the snow. First I drove and Geri pushed, then Geri drove and I pushed. After 10 minutes of this waltz we got the Prius out. Thanks to all the drivers who rode by us without stopping!
Did I forget to tell you that the gas meter registered "E" and it was BLINKING! When it blinks that means "don't be stupid, get to a gas station right away". We asked our trusty English Waitress on the Garman where the closest gas station was and she gave us some phone numbers. It was 7:30am and in the first three, no one answered. I was getting a little worried but my macho face never showed it. On the fifth call a guy answered and said he was open. After giving him her Polish Blessing, my wife gathered the directions to his oasis.
Back again on I-95 heading South. No salt, no snow plows, no lane lines, and plenty of ice. I can deal with snow, even on the Interstate, but not ice. Those crazy 18-wheelers must think snow and ice don't apply to them the way they sped past us. So thanks to the States of Virginia and North Carolina who would rather invest in keeping the exits open to their convenience stores than plow the main highways.
All of a sudden, when we passed Pedro's "South of the Border" the snow and ice started to disappear. South Carolina was our Saviour. The trip from there was great, averaging 70 MPH. We had a 13-hour trip that day to get to Ft Myers Beach. Even though I suggested getting some empty bottles so we wouldn't have to stop at restrooms, my crew wouldn't hear of that. Wife and dog Pepper insisted on three or four stops.
So we flew along all the way until 30 minutes short of our final destination. Geri checked the iPhone map and there was a long RED LINE on the screen indicating traffic stopped. We lost at least 30 minutes there and I still don't know why. We arrived at Ft Myers Beach at 11pm after leaving Rocky Mount at 7am.
Oh, did I forget to tell you it rained in Ft M B the next two days!!!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
A Day in the Unemployment Line
With the rising tide of unemployment in this country I was wondering what it would be like if our Biblical fathers had to experience a day on the unemployment line. Let's consider a long line in the Egyptian Social Services building extending around the block on a terribly hot afternoon in Cairo.
Anwar Sadatsky is the interviewer who has half-heartedly remained at his post to try to help Egyptian citizens who are out of work. The next person in line approaches him. He's a bit bedraggled and hasn't had a shave in many days. His clothes are tattered and torn and he wears his hair covered in a skullcap resting on his head. Anwar asks, "What is your name sir?". The man answers "Moses". Anwar asks "first name?". The stranger answers "Moses". "And what is your last name?" The answer..."Moses". "So you are called Moses Moses?" The man replied, "Just call me Moses".
"And Mr. Moses, how long have you been out of work?" Answer "forty days and forty nights". "What line of work were you in last?" Answer "Prophet". A surprised Anwar asks "So you were in Propheteering?" "No, says Moses" "Just a simple old Prophet". "And who did you work for during your tenure as a Prophet?" The answer "The Lord". What did The Lord have you do in your daily tasks?" "He wanted me to lead my people out of the wilderness".
Anwar then turns to his colleague Ismael and says "Hey Issy, you've got to hear this" "This guy says he's a prophet and his job is leading his people out of the wilderness and he works for The Lord." Ismael says "Ask him when he last talked to his boss". Moses replies "The other day on the mountain". "Really" says Ismael, "and how does he talk to you when he has jobs for you to do up on that mountain". Moses replies "In a burning bush".
So after evaluating Moses, the two Social Workers decide to send him for an interview to a travel agency in Cairo where Moses can best use his talents. He worked there for many years and was even given a piece of the business.
Why can't that happy ending be as easy to replicate nowadays?
Anwar Sadatsky is the interviewer who has half-heartedly remained at his post to try to help Egyptian citizens who are out of work. The next person in line approaches him. He's a bit bedraggled and hasn't had a shave in many days. His clothes are tattered and torn and he wears his hair covered in a skullcap resting on his head. Anwar asks, "What is your name sir?". The man answers "Moses". Anwar asks "first name?". The stranger answers "Moses". "And what is your last name?" The answer..."Moses". "So you are called Moses Moses?" The man replied, "Just call me Moses".
"And Mr. Moses, how long have you been out of work?" Answer "forty days and forty nights". "What line of work were you in last?" Answer "Prophet". A surprised Anwar asks "So you were in Propheteering?" "No, says Moses" "Just a simple old Prophet". "And who did you work for during your tenure as a Prophet?" The answer "The Lord". What did The Lord have you do in your daily tasks?" "He wanted me to lead my people out of the wilderness".
Anwar then turns to his colleague Ismael and says "Hey Issy, you've got to hear this" "This guy says he's a prophet and his job is leading his people out of the wilderness and he works for The Lord." Ismael says "Ask him when he last talked to his boss". Moses replies "The other day on the mountain". "Really" says Ismael, "and how does he talk to you when he has jobs for you to do up on that mountain". Moses replies "In a burning bush".
So after evaluating Moses, the two Social Workers decide to send him for an interview to a travel agency in Cairo where Moses can best use his talents. He worked there for many years and was even given a piece of the business.
Why can't that happy ending be as easy to replicate nowadays?
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Frauds on the Corner
I know this is the season of giving and peace but I have a strong feeling that there are some who don't deserve it.
When passing a corner not too far from my home I spied a guy with a sign indicating he's homeless, hungry, and in need of medical supplies. He has his pant leg rolled up to the knee, graphically displaying an open wound of about 4 inches in length, bright red, and fairly deep. My problem is that I saw him on this same corner two weeks ago with a older sign, displaying the same injured leg. There was no measurable difference in the wound this week. It is the same size and color it was two weeks ago. I don't like being a cynic but this is either the best cosmetic make-up job I've ever seen or this guy is due for Gangrene therapy. I thought it would be cute to watch him after I gave him a roll of sterile bandages.
The other day I saw three perfectly healthy teenage kids with their dog on another corner. Their sign read "Travelers in Need of Some Help". Their dog seemed well-fed and happy. The kids were smoking cigarettes. Do you know the cost of cigarettes lately? Maybe they drove down to Virginia in their Prius and got the butts at a reduced price.
I really want to help these people but I don't feel they would use my donation wisely. I recall a skit somewhere on TV some time back where there was a company offering franchises to those who wanted to beg on corners. For 3 payments of $19.99 (plus S&H) you could get a cardboard sign, ragged clothes, a rented wheelchair to prop up on the STOP sign, and guaranteed access to a corner near your home.
One of these days I'm going to follow one of these panhandlers to see where they head home. Maybe to a high-rise in Suburbia?
...and thanks to the lady in the front of our line of cars who kept looking for change to give this guy and made the rest of us miss the green light!!
When passing a corner not too far from my home I spied a guy with a sign indicating he's homeless, hungry, and in need of medical supplies. He has his pant leg rolled up to the knee, graphically displaying an open wound of about 4 inches in length, bright red, and fairly deep. My problem is that I saw him on this same corner two weeks ago with a older sign, displaying the same injured leg. There was no measurable difference in the wound this week. It is the same size and color it was two weeks ago. I don't like being a cynic but this is either the best cosmetic make-up job I've ever seen or this guy is due for Gangrene therapy. I thought it would be cute to watch him after I gave him a roll of sterile bandages.
The other day I saw three perfectly healthy teenage kids with their dog on another corner. Their sign read "Travelers in Need of Some Help". Their dog seemed well-fed and happy. The kids were smoking cigarettes. Do you know the cost of cigarettes lately? Maybe they drove down to Virginia in their Prius and got the butts at a reduced price.
I really want to help these people but I don't feel they would use my donation wisely. I recall a skit somewhere on TV some time back where there was a company offering franchises to those who wanted to beg on corners. For 3 payments of $19.99 (plus S&H) you could get a cardboard sign, ragged clothes, a rented wheelchair to prop up on the STOP sign, and guaranteed access to a corner near your home.
One of these days I'm going to follow one of these panhandlers to see where they head home. Maybe to a high-rise in Suburbia?
...and thanks to the lady in the front of our line of cars who kept looking for change to give this guy and made the rest of us miss the green light!!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Why NYers are different than the rest of us.
We visited the Big Apple for three days celebrating our anniversary. My antennae were up watching and listening to the sights and sounds of Manhattan. There are no people on Earth like NYers.
When you walk down the street you must keep the pace up or you might get walked over by people moving rapidly, trying to get to and from work. They don't see you or hear you because they all have cell phones stuck in their ears. Everybody's talking business and the adjectives are colorful. Its hard to find an obese person walking on the streets of NYC unless they are visitors. I guess that's because of the daily challenges of getting to and from their jobs using the subway.
I still haven't figured out the layout of Manhattan and probably never will. Its hard to fake out that you really don't know where you are and how to get to where you're going. However my handy-dandy iPhone, with its map app helps a whole lot, along with Geri's subway map (which as a REAL guy I refuse to use!) I wonder how the iPhone knows that you're walking because the directions are for walking, not driving.
You want to know why NYers are aggressive people? Just try to get a cab without running out in the middle of the street and stopping one of those Yellow Monsters with your hand. With enough of that action they ought to give you a Black Belt in Ti Quon Cabbie!
Every NY guy wears a business suit. They don't wear sports jackets and slacks. Why is this? There is no dress-down Friday in NYC.
Every guy with an unshaven beard, diamond earring, jeans below his hips and $150 Addidas basketball shoes is a plain-clothes cop. How do I know this? Because when they walk past you it sounds like they're talking to themselves until you hear the conversation about what a certain perpetrator looks like and where he can be found. The heavy metal object sticking out from under his tie-dyed-T-shirt is another give-a-way (I gotta stop using all these hyphens).
I don't want to totally bash NYC and NYers because we had a great time during our stay. Most NYers were very nice. In fact we were standing by the subway entrance trying to figure out where to catch a certain train when a guy stopped and asked if he could help us. After he explained how and where to go I had a better appreciation of the home-towners. Was I supposed to give him a tip?
When you walk down the street you must keep the pace up or you might get walked over by people moving rapidly, trying to get to and from work. They don't see you or hear you because they all have cell phones stuck in their ears. Everybody's talking business and the adjectives are colorful. Its hard to find an obese person walking on the streets of NYC unless they are visitors. I guess that's because of the daily challenges of getting to and from their jobs using the subway.
I still haven't figured out the layout of Manhattan and probably never will. Its hard to fake out that you really don't know where you are and how to get to where you're going. However my handy-dandy iPhone, with its map app helps a whole lot, along with Geri's subway map (which as a REAL guy I refuse to use!) I wonder how the iPhone knows that you're walking because the directions are for walking, not driving.
You want to know why NYers are aggressive people? Just try to get a cab without running out in the middle of the street and stopping one of those Yellow Monsters with your hand. With enough of that action they ought to give you a Black Belt in Ti Quon Cabbie!
Every NY guy wears a business suit. They don't wear sports jackets and slacks. Why is this? There is no dress-down Friday in NYC.
Every guy with an unshaven beard, diamond earring, jeans below his hips and $150 Addidas basketball shoes is a plain-clothes cop. How do I know this? Because when they walk past you it sounds like they're talking to themselves until you hear the conversation about what a certain perpetrator looks like and where he can be found. The heavy metal object sticking out from under his tie-dyed-T-shirt is another give-a-way (I gotta stop using all these hyphens).
I don't want to totally bash NYC and NYers because we had a great time during our stay. Most NYers were very nice. In fact we were standing by the subway entrance trying to figure out where to catch a certain train when a guy stopped and asked if he could help us. After he explained how and where to go I had a better appreciation of the home-towners. Was I supposed to give him a tip?
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