What Goes Around, Comes Around

I'm looking at photos of our new grandson Brady Edward and thinking, "What Goes Around, Comes Around". Only difference between when we flooded the world with baby pictures and when my Son Adam and Daughter-in-Law Sarah do it, is about 3 seconds or less. We had to take the photos to the drugstore and pray that we took enough so that when I shook the camera out of nervousness not too many would be blurred. Now they just keep clicking the iPhone, one after the other, and "Presto" it appears online a few minutes later for the world to see. What a country!

I remember like it was yesterday when we held our 1st son Michael in our arms, afraid we would crush or drop him because he was so tiny. The doctor said to keep him in his own room right away...I thought the guy was nuts! That other room is 10 feet away...are you kidding me? What if he needs something in the middle of the night or just wants to make sure we're still at home and not at the movies?

So eventually we got over that nervousness and watched the weed grow by the minute. The kid could do no wrong. Throwing up (we laughed). Wet deuces (we laughed). Tossing food across the room (we laughed). We did, however, have a problem with his calling a neighbor "DaDa", but we got over that also.

When everything was going great guns, and we finally had a few dollars in the bank, my dear wife Geri announces to me and the Northern Hemisphere that we have another toddler expected in the normal course of homo sapien renewal time. We're ready this time!!

Along comes Adam, son #2 (in succession not priority boys). We're going through this again and only 3 away from a basketball team. I never thought they would allow each other to live since they got along so infamously. But guess what? They became friends....how about that sports fans. It only took about 15 years.

So now along comes Brady Edward. Sarah does a great job delivering while we all sit in the waiting room with four iPhones waiting for Adam's texts. We get a play by play description of what's going on through the technology of AT&T. Finally, here comes a picture of Brady Edward about 3 minutes old. Bet your Brownie Box Camera couldn't do that, huh?

We've been honored to have been selected by the new parents to babysit the tike a few days a week. Can't wait. Just trying to figure out if we are still able to laugh if he throws up, or has wet deuces, or tosses food across the room. You betcha' we laugh cause that's our job... Poppy and Grandma...couldn't be happier!!!!!


p.s. Here's my favorite photo...

On Becoming A 1st-Time GrandPop

Sorry for the delay in blog schedules but here goes another....

So we're sitting in my older son Michael's basement in January enjoying a holiday meal (he was using his new smoker system) and my younger son Adam stands up and says, "OK, can I have everyone's attention!" So we stop talking and he walks over to a side table and hands my wife Geri a bouquet of flowers (nice gesture since it's Easter). Then he throws a rolled up T-Shirt at me and hands another to Geri. I open the wrapper and there is a bright orange T-Shirt with "Orioles" inscribed on the front and "Pop" on the back. I didn't give it a 2nd thought since they sometimes call me "Pop" or "Poppy" when they tell their dog she's going to "Poppy's" house. Then Geri opens up her rolled up T-Shirt and a few seconds later I hear a scream, "MARK, MARK!!!! Oh My God, Oh My God (repeat at least four more times in quick succession).

She then proceeds to walk over to daughter-in-law Sarah and after a few more "Oh My Gods" she grabs her and squeezes the life out of her. I, in my inimitable fashion exclaim, "OK, now I don't have to hear that crap about not being a Grandmother until I'm in a walker".

Expectation date is at the end of September. No problem Mahn...even though we planned a trip to Italy a few days after. Trip was postponed after paying a premium to the vultures at the airlines and touring company for postponing only 2 weeks later. No problem, Mahn!

So as we watch the expectant parents ready themselves mentally and physically for this little bundle of joy, I become more and more excited about the "Rookie's" arrival. You think it would be too early for me to take the tike into a pool and start swimming lessons at 6 months. Also, we've got to keep switching toys from one hand to the other to prepare the youngun' to be a switch hitter. Soccer could be a Fall sport as long as the team isn't playing "Swarm" ball. Skills need to be worked on, so an investigation of reputable coaches will be made.

Before I get too carried away I guess I'd better check with the new parents about this program. I've seen some newborns recently and can't imagine that a human being can be that small! But I guess that's the way it works, huh? Calm down Mark, everything in good time. My only other question is should I keep the skis down in the basement for the new downhill skier?

By the way...the wrapper on the rolled up T-Shirt was a picture of the 1st Sonogram and dummy me, I didn't even notice it.

The Customer Friendly Worlds of Comcast & UPS

I hope I can get all the details correct with regard to my experiences with these two conglomerates because the timeline, emails, telephone conversations and chat communications are almost too numerous for this Senior to remember.

The saga began when we decided to provide Internet service and WIFI at our vacation rental condo in Ocean City Md. Needless to say I checked around to get the best bang for my buck and decided Comcast was my best bet. It's important to note here that we already have Comcast service at our home address and additionally cable TV at the rental unit. I'm classified as a Premier Account Holder.

Via a Comcast Sales Chat I set up the Internet/WIFI addition to my account in OC and chose the "Self-Install" package. At the end of the Chat the Rep told me the equipment would be shipped to the OC address. I told him I needed it shipped to my home address where I would keep it until we went to the unit in March or April.

Here's where the action started.

He told me he could "only ship to the service address". I said, "There's no one there". He said he was sorry but that's all he could do. He suggested I call UPS and get the shipping address changed.

Now the plot thickens!

He said my tracking # would be emailed to me in 24-48 hours and after I get it I could contact UPS.

After 3 days, Guess What?... no tracking number. I call Comcast back, complain to the Rep about this entire ridiculous scenario and he gives me the tracking #. I then email UPS Customer Service with the tracking # and explain how I want this address changed. I get an email back stating that someone would call me back at the end of the business day to discuss the problem. No one called. Finally I call UPS the next day and the Rep tells me the package is on the truck coming from Baltimore, headed for Salibury Md, where it then will be placed on another truck for delivery. I get upset and yell, "Lady, there is no one there, and that's why I want to change the delivery address!". She tells me that the driver must attempt to deliver the package once and after that I can call and have the address changed for a $5 fee.

Now I'm really pissed because she tells me the package DOES NOT NEED TO BE SIGNED FOR! I said, "Lady if that driver drops the package off at our unit's front door, which is in a public hallway in a condo building, and it's stolen, YOU WILL PAY FOR THE PACKAGE, NOT ME!". I tell her to put a Supervisor on the phone. After 20 minutes a Supervisor (nationality unknown based on dialect) tells me there's nothing that can be done but if I want him personally to contact the driver and notify him not to deliver the package he will do that. I asked what will happen then. He said it will be sent back to Comcast.

So now I feel like I need to take a break from this nonsense... until my cellphone rings and the caller ID says "Salisbury Md" (where the UPS facility is located). A Supervisor tells me she has reviewed all the documentation and is arranging the package to be shipped back to my home in Towson. Thank you Ma'am!

So today I call Comcast to apprise them of all this and tell a regular Rep to put me on with a Supervisor. She apologizes for all this that I've been through and tells me she will connect me with a Supervisor, "Please hold on." Guess what happens next...she cuts me off the line! So I call back and explain all this to another "Account Executive" who listens to this horror show and tells me that she will fix this. She is canceling the original order and reissuing it so the equipment will be shipped to the Comcast Office near my house. I asked if she was sure she could do this and she confirmed that she could. I told her that the UPS Supervisor in Salisbury said she was shipping the package back to me. This latest "Account Executive" said that if I wind up with two packages I could send one back, haha

So now I feel pretty good about all this, until this evening when another Supervisor calls from Salisbury to inform me that the other Supervisor didn't know what she was talking about and they can't ship the package back to my home address. While she's talking I can hear that I'm on her speakerphone. Now I'm really pissed and ask her if I'm on speakerphone. When she confirms I ask how many people are in the room listening. She says "a few". I tell her to contact an attorney because what she's doing is illegal unless she tells me I'm on speakerphone with others listening in. She apologizes and tells me she needed witnesses in case this situation goes further. I told her she could bet her pension that it would.

Folks, I'm supposed to be on a restful vacation here in my retirement years. I couldn't make this stuff up could I? Wish me luck picking up the package at Comcast White Marsh in a few weeks....

A Night at the Hipp

For those of you who don't know, the Hippodrome Theatre is one of the oldest remaining Broadway-type venues left. It was renovated several years ago and offers touring Broadway productions of a very high caliber.

My wife Geri & I are season ticket holders & enjoy all the performances.

Last evening we left home for a 7:30pm performance of Beauty & The Beast. We arrived in front of the "Hipp" at 7:05. I dropped my wife off in front as she was recovering from being ill & began scouting for a parking spot. I refuse to pay $10 in a lot so I drove around looking for a spot on the street.

. As I turned the corner there was a line of cars waiting for a lady driving a Ford Expedition trying to pull into a space large enough for a Ford Escort. She pulled in & out, in & out, in & out while the rest of us watched in horror as there was no way to get around her. Finally she navigated enough for all of us to get by even though she needed to negotiate this a few more times.

I drove around the corner & found a spot about 2 1/2 blks from the theatre. It was now 7:15 & 17 degrees. I was wearing my Ravens hoodie & began running up the street in a rather "challenged" neighborhood. As I got to the corner a cop spied me with my hoodie up running down the street. He stared at me while I hollered, "I'm going to the theatre". I guess he believed me because he didn't shoot.

At 7:25 I arrived at the Hipp and found my wife happily designating our seats with plenty of room in front & around us. Then a few minutes later a guy and gal slid in front of us. He was 6'7 & she was 5'11. My wife looked at me with sad eyes so I changed seats with her. We had our heavy coats on a seat next to us and as sure as the Republicans own the House two people slid into those seats. So now I have a guy 6'7 right in front of me while I'm holding two heavy coats on my lap.

During the show, every time the guy leans right I lean left, when he leans left I lean right. Finally, after intermission he falls asleep and leans forward & I can now see the show.

As fate would have it, during the 2nd half a baby starts crying. That's right folks, somebody brought a baby to a Broadway performance that I paid $65 to see!

Now we're near the end of the show, getting ready for the big finale with everyone on stage. A bunch of people in front of us decide they want to get an early exit. So of course everyone in the isle had to stand up to let them pass because the seats at the Hipp were built for members of the Lilliputian Tribe.

I give the show 3 Schlenoff stars (out of 5). Too much dialogue, not enough singing and way too much "Schtick" typical for a Disney production.

A Christmas/Hanukkah Blog

As John Lennon once sang, "And so it is Christmas, for old and for young.....".

So I thought I'd write a little holiday blog to help promote the season.

I am probably one of many who have what I consider the advantage of diversity within the immediate family. I fell in love with a non-Jew who settled me down and brought a new variety to my religious teachings(along with a lot of love). Now we celebrate both Jewish and Christian traditions which we exposed to our young boys during their formative years. Most of the time my wife has to remind me of the Jewish holidays, I apologise for that folks. I guess I need to plug them all into my iPhone's calendar.

Holiday time gets expensive around the Schlenoff household. We've got to fork over presents for Hanukkah as well as Christmas. I keep telling my wife Geri that during the 8 days of Hanukkah each day is represented by a small token present. Apparently she's never received the memo. Hanukkah results in a fine written check for each one of the kiddies. There's also a lot of cooking going on, a lot of it by me, but in defense of our grown-up sons and daughters-in-law there was a recent resolution adopted to share hosting of the major holidays. I love it!!

We have a tradition to put the Christmas decorations on the tree (with a Jewish star at the top) while our immediate family eats steamed shrimp and other goodies (I was told that's in the Bible but I'm not sure what page or whose Bible). I supervise the affair from my outpost in my very expensive leather (not faux leather) chair near the outskirts of the room. We acquiesced last year to utilizing a new type of phony tree whose phony branches fold up like an umbrella for storage. What'll they think of next?

Very soon we will be celebrating another year completed with the best bunch of family people I know. There is no way things could have turned out any better for the Schlenoffs. A healthy and happy New Year to all our extended family and here's hoping that Congress wakes up and realizes that the next election is not the most important thing in their lives!!

For My Republican Friends...

While doing a bit of research following the rather acerbic remarks from one Joe Biden, our esteemed Vice Prez assigned to fostering greater relations with minorities, I found some interesting dialogue attributed to Republican leaders from past years. Although these may not be as controversial as Delaware Joe's latest gaff, they are a bit humorous, especially considering the high offices they held or tried to hold:

from Dan Quayle:
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared."
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

from Sarah Palin:
"Polls are for strippers and cross-country skiers"
"He who warned, uh, the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells, and um, makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."
"I love that smell of the emissions!"
"But obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies."

A heartbeat away from the Presidency? Whew!!!

SHOWBALL...for Baseball Wannabees

Had the opportunity to drive up to Long Island, NY, with son Adam, who was invited to be a Coach Evaluator at the Showball 2-day camp. The most exciting part of the trip was traveling across the Veranazzo Bridge. The lanes aren't even big enough for a motor scooter! Then, playing bumper cars on the Long Island Expressway. NY drivers are nuts!

Anyway, this camp features mostly high school rising seniors who want to show their skills to almost 40 college coaches. The kids are trying very hard to make an impression. However, some of them probably should have stayed at home and played video games.

There are over 250 players here from all over the U.S. Haven't seen any Dominicans yet. At $350 a pop I'd say this Wannabee Baseball Camp is quite an entrepreneurial undertaking. Even the coaches "get well" if they do a few of these each year.

Anyway, I'm enjoying sitting back and wondering just who of these multitude of kids might "make it". The only annoying part of this journey was hearing a Mom pestering her son about tucking his shirt in, drinking his sports drink, and making sure he checked to see if his name was spelled correctly on the player sheets! But that's what Mom's do right?

Squirrels Are Not Stupid!

I'm convinced that there is one squirrel in our backyard who is "special". His resiliency is incredible and his ability to outsmart me is mind-boggling! When we 1st moved into our home about 6 years ago I built a bird feeder from a 4 x 4 post with hangers to hold the feeders. I refused to buy a squirrel baffle for $30+ so I fashioned one out of scrap metal which I made into a cone and attached to the post.

The squirrels left it alone for several years. Then a new marauder came to town with guns a-blazin', anxious to beat me and get to the bird feeders. He somehow by-passed my contraption and emptied the bird feeder several times. I saw that sucker up on the top of the post and I swear he was laughing at me.

So I got some additional scrap metal and fashioned a disk 8" wider than the previous one. He figured it out about 3 days later. Then I took some more metal and built another cone under the disc. Three days later there he was, on top of the bird feeder shaking the thing so most of the seeds fell to the ground. His partners in crime were applauding him as he took his bows.

I cut slats in the disc thinking he was perhaps jumping up to the disc level....No good! I actually heard the disc metal vibrating and that's how I knew this must be a squirrel preparing for the Olympic high jump record.

This morning I pulled off the disc and raised the cone up about 8". If he beats me now I need to see a Psychiatrist because I'm an emotional wreck.

But I refuse to buy a squirrel baffle online or elsewhere!!

Tornado in Hampton

We folks in Hampton ain't used to dealing with tornadoes. And I'm not talking about our Cleaning Lady who comes every other week and works up a storm in our house. While we're getting ready for a 7pm wedding at about 5pm or so I happened to check the weather radar on my computer and I saw a strange site. I kept hearing all this nonsense about major storms coming our way. The map showed a black spot over Towson while other areas were colored orange or dark green. I looked at the map legend and the black stood for SEVERE!

A few minutes later I heard what sounded like an express freight train coming down Gypsy Lane. All of a sudden the very dark sky got a pale white. I'm thinking, this ain't good. I was convinced we had a problem when the rain, wind, and major tree branches flew by horizontally. I've never seen wind like that either while sober or not.

So now we've got confirmation that a tornado came down Gypsy Lane at 5:30pm or so on last Friday evening. I fully expected to find Brian Williams in his khaki colored war correspondent shirt waiting to interview me in my front yard. He never showed up.

Don't mess with Mother Nature (or my Cleaning Lady)!!!

I'm On Broadway!!

So I gave up most of the Division 1 NCAA Softball I was umpiring. The Paint and Powder Club found out about this. That's the club Geri and I belong to who sponser several events during the year for social as well as charitable reasons. The big fund-raiser is the Musical Review in May each year. The Paint & Powder Club has been doing this "Review" since the 1800's in Baltimore.

Someone told the club I had all this extra time on my hands, and since they had been pestering me for the last 5 years to get in the show, this year I gave in. After all the rehearsals and rearranging my schedules I think umpiring NCAA Softball was easier. However, I love to sing and "showboat" so this years' show, "Bud's Broadway" was right up my alley.

We've been rehearsing at Pickersgill, a retirement/assisted living facility in Towson, MD for a couple of months, at least tree time per week. They gave me a solo in "Lullaby of Broadway", some schtick in "You Gotta Have Heart" from Damn Yankees (I think I was type-cast for this part), and some songs with the entire group that everyone seemed to have a good time with.

We recently performed the full show in front of the residents of Pickersgill who jammed into the hall with their wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, and hearing aids. We weren't sure they'd get some of the high-level humor but they had a good time anyway. One of the solos was "Springtime For Hitler", from the Broadway show "The Producers" by Mel Brooks. My good buddy Rick was costumed as Adolf himself. I think I heard one male resident say "Irma, get me my rifle, the war's not over yet!". I kept hearing one resident in the front row saying, "What'd he say, What'd he say?" to the resident next to her (who was fast asleep).

Only SNAFU I can remember was that I had to make a fast change from my "Drag" number (that's right, "DRAG" with wig and dress) to get back into my tux for the last song before the Finale. I was sweating bullets (they keep the heat up for the residents who are always cold) and with my soaking wet tux shirt and pants I arrived in mid-song (as I deftly snuck into the back of the line).

We'll straighten all this out next week before we run the show in front of the paying public (OY!). Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (5/10, 5/11, 5/12) the show will be at Magooby's Joke House (the old Timonium Dinner Theatre) with dinner at 6:30 with the show to follow. I heard the Saturday night performance is sold out (OY,OY!).

So if you're a talent scout reading this, keep an eye on me and turn your hearing aid up because we're not sure if the audio technology will be functioning well. Forget signing me up for a stint on Broadway because umpiring NCAA Softball is easier!!

HOLLYWOOD!! (according to Geri)

It's 5 o'clock on Sunday morning and my iPhone alarm just went off. A few seconds later Geri's did the same. What the Hell?!!
Then I remembered...Hollywood awaits.

On a rainy, ugly, dismal Saturday a few weeks ago my wife showed up at a local college for an "Open Call" for extras in the soon-to-be production by Netflix of "House of Cards", starring Academy Award winner Kevin Spacey. Since then we both forgot about it as there were about 500 hopefuls who showed up to change careers and get discovered.

So the phone rings the other day and someone tells Geri she's been selected to play a Supreme Court Justice's wife, appearing at an Inaugural Ball.

I'm down here at the Baltimore War Memorial at 6:30am with 200 guys wearing tuxedos and women in black gowns. It looks like a State Funeral! Some of these "Wannabees" aren't half bad looking.

We're sitting in a "Holding Pen" with other "Stars" waiting for the word on the scene production. Haven't seen Kevin Spacey yet.

They just called her number to line up for the scene. What the Hell, she's a Supreme Court Judge's wife and they call her by number! Where's her agent?

Dammit, they won't let me go into the production area. So I wait here like an expectant father for the results. I've got jeans and a sweatshirt on, maybe I can sneak in as a stagehand.

Hey, are they gonna pay for parking???

They just announced that this might be a 10-hour day. They've got a "picky" Director. I'm leaving! Will update later. p.s. Cost me 7 bucks because they hadn't given out parking coupons yet!

I picked up Meryl Streep (er Geri) at 6pm. That's 12 hours of work on the movie. The Director took about 25 takes and from 9:30am to 3pm he wouldn't let the extras even go to the bathroom! Of course, Kevin Spacey could go to the potty whenever he wanted. The ballroom was resplendent with glorious decorations and the food tables were stocked with heavy hors d'oeuvres that the extras were told not to eat (even though in the movie they were invited to dinner).

So this was a 13-hour day of "Hurry Up and Wait" and you'd better look excited even though you've done the same thing 25 times. Want to be a Hollywood Star? Check with Geri first!!!

Observations From The Front Porch in SW Florida

These are a few things that I found interesting lately:

-A sign on a lot near us... "Please pick up your poop". I believe the reference was to the neighborhood dogs
-70 year old women wearing Bikinis at the beach
-People walking barefoot on the Dog Beach
-Families with 12 year old boys eating at Hooters
-Guys who walk into the weight room with full UnderArmour uniforms on, pick up a 50lb dumbbell, put it down, and leave
-EVERYBODY underdressed at restaurants (This needs to be copied up North!)
-Retirees riding on Motorcycles
-BMWs, Lexus, Caddies, and Mercedes parked in front of every Goodwill Thrift Store
-Too many Grouper Sandwiches.
-Tag Sales (Don't they know it's called Garage Sales)
-Unbelievable amount of vacant storefronts (the economy ain't changing' down here folks)
-Elderly Seniors directing traffic (scares me a little but everybody needs a job)
-Finally, one bridge in & one bridge out of here....usually 30 minutes to get off this island unless you swim.

Our Superbowl Party

First off, we did our best to gather a diverse mix of friends and neighbors in our rented duplex home in Ft Myers Beach FL. while on vacation. It was a hard chore coming up with just the right formula based on the interest level (or lack thereof) in Football from some of the invitees. The first to show up was my next-door neighbor Phil (name changed) who is always cheery but very perplexed since he's from New England and bet against the Patriots (now he's a happy guy). He's our chart man who pulls together the $$$ and sells boxes on the chart at $.50 a pop. Then came his wife Matilda with her HOT wings (I mean chicken wings you perverts).

Next to show up was Shirley who walked in with a Patriot's balloon and asked me where to hang it. I told her to walk down to the beach and let it go South (I'm still not over the sickening loss by the Ravens). Following Marie was John with his wife Delores right behind him. John had three bottles of wine in his grip and just wanted to know who was going to open the 1st bottle (he wasn't even all the way into the room yet). His wife Delores was the one I remember from last year who spent the entire game talking about unrelated things; in fact, she forgot who was actually playing in the Superbowl. She didn't let us down this year and left before the 4th quarter even started.

Our friends from Baltimore, Jennifer and Laslo, came with fresh veggies that they had just brought over the Florida border, avoiding the fruit and vegetable checkpoint set up by the Florida State Police. Betty and Carol were two Southern belles who spoke with Gone With The Wind accents (I'm still trying to find out if they were put on or not).

So away we go with the game (after that embarrassing performance by so-called celebrities struggling with the National Anthem). Why can't they just let the crowd sing together instead of forcing all those personal renditions by those getting the big bucks to show up?

At the start of the game we had 16 boxes un-filled. I overheard one of our ladies tell her husband "just buy one box, you only need one to win". Come on...$.50 a box!! Anyway, Phil & I slapped extra money down for the rest of the boxes just to make it interesting. And who do you think won the 1st two quarters?....MOI. After hearing all the complaints about how the card was rigged I merely stated that I had spent my entire allowance (given to me by my wife Geri) on making the chart interesting enough for everyone.

Well, we had a good time with all the folks and the food was good. There was only one problem.....THE RAVENS SHOULDA BEEN THERE!!!

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Game

When I substitute teach I like to tell the kids in my classes a little story or joke just to break the ice. Most of the kids who see me ask for a new story. So here's one I told yesterday...

A long time ago, when I coached baseball at a local City High School, we were scheduled to play a game at a school in the Western part of Baltimore County which required a good deal of travel time. I got the players out of class early so we would be able to get to the opponent's field early and perhaps take a little batting practice (which I threw since my pitching staff at that time was strike-zone challenged).

We left school in plenty of time to keep to our schedule and I was deeply engrossed in some paperwork while traveling. After a while I looked up and saw that we seemed to be going in an unfamiliar direction based on the way I had traveled to this particular school in prior years. I asked the rather rotund female driver if she knew where she was going and she replied that she knew where the school was located. I asked if her supervisors had given her directions and she replied, "Don't need any, know the way".

When we approached the entrance to the Harbor Tunnel I knew we were in trouble. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and asked me to come up and speak to her. She said, "Did you know we had a toll to pay to go through this tunnel?" I replied, "So what, pay the toll and let's get moving." Her reply, "I ain't got no money to pay no toll!". Perplexed as I was, and figuring that our pre-arranged schedule just went to Hell, I replied, "Didn't your Supervisor give you money to pay the toll?", upon which she stated, "I forgot to ask him about it". So I quizzically inquired as to what she might require of me so we could get moving. She indicated that perhaps she could borrow the money from me. After profuse giggles from the players in the bus we decided to take up a collection from the players and me so we could pay the toll. I didn't have my wallet with me and only a little change in my pocket.

After collecting the needed funds we proceeded forward and I asked her where the phone or communication devise was located on the bus to which she replied..."Broke".

After all this fun we were late, lost the game, and when I called the bus company the next day to inquire about this driver the answer I got was..."She Quit!"...True Story, just one of many in the Naked City.

A Great Prank

When I substitute I always start off with a story. The kids in my classes who know me wait for the stories. So recently I told them about a great prank that was played on me during my time as Athletic Director at Mergenthaler Vo-Tech HS, a school located in the Baltimore City School System. I was there between 1980-1990.

I was the "Guru" of health back then. People would come to me for advice on what to eat, how to eat, when to eat, and ask about various exercise plans that they could use and keep up with.

One day in 1983 I had a doctor's appointment. They drew blood for various tests. One was a cholesterol screening. A few days after the test the Doc called me and said, "We need to talk". I said, "About what?". He then proceeded to tell me my cholesterol level was in the "HIGH" range and with my family history we needed to do something about that. So from that time until now I've taken three little pills that keep me on this side of the grass.

After I heard this news from the Doc I walked around in a gray "funk" for several days. My coaching staff, a bunch of fun-loving guys and gals, got tired of my moodiness and decided to do something about it. One day I walked into my office and on the walls, where I had many athletic artifacts saved from years of collecting, were little tags hanging by strings from each piece. I read the first, "In case of Schlenoff's death I claim this football helmet". My football coach's name appeared on the tag. I looked at another and the tag read, "In case of Schlenoff's death I claim this fencing sword", signed by my wrestling coach. All around the room my coaching staff had claimed all my "stuff" in case of my death. At 1st I was upset and then I started to laugh. What a bunch of morons.

But that's not all... a few days later the School Police Officer came to my office and asked me to come with him, he had to show me something. He took me all the way to the other side of the building and tried to open a locked door, which he couldn't. I said, "What's going on?", he answered, "must be the wrong set of keys, I'll show you this later". So back to my office we went. As I put my key in the door the School Police Officer start to back up. "What's wrong?", I asked. No reply. As I opened the door, to my utter amazement, on my desk was a full-size, pine COFFIN. After a few well-placed utterances by me, I heard some snickering in the adjacent office. My entire coaching staff, including the Principal of the school, were hiding in that office and they all started bursting out laughing at the same time. I started to laugh also until one of these jerks told me to open the coffin. When I did, out jumped my Assistant A.D. yelling "Surprise". After realizing I was going to make it through this prank without a major breakdown, I also laughed. These clowns had been in the basement of the school and found the coffin used in a school play sometime in the past.

Some time soon I'll tell you about another major prank (this one took a lot of planning on everyone's part). We did these things just to keep our sanity while in the teaching profession.

Tell Your Kids To Have A "Plan B".

Recently I was featured as a local radio talk show's guest speaker on Maryland's 50,000 watt AM radio station. Actually I wasn't the guest speaker, I just called in just before their News Break on my cell phone which almost guarantees you get on because you can't talk too long before the News Break.

Anyway, the subject at the time was the horrendous cost of college tuition in the United States and how student loan responsibilities may far outweigh the financial benefits of a college education. Some graduates (or their parents) may be strapped with government (or bank) loans for most of their careers, if they're lucky enough to even find a job.

When I ride by college campuses, I wonder how those bright-eyed, bushy-tailed collegians are going to fair when its their time to get out into the cruel world of taxes, home ownership, commodity purchases, etc. That's why I suggest to those who plan to go to college that they consider a "Plan B". Even though you want to pursue a direction that let's you express your passions for life, remember that there are areas in society where you might be the only person who thinks your passions are important.

When I was the Athletic Director at a local City Vocational High School back in the 1980's, I had a young man stop by one day and ask me how much money I earned as a teacher. After telling him it wasn't any of his damn business he proceeded to explain that after graduating from this particular high school, with an emphasis in auto mechanics, he was earning $8 per hour as an apprentice diesel truck mechanic...and that after he finished his apprenticeship he would be earning $13 per hour as a certified diesel truck mechanic. This was back in the 1980's! Do you know what kind of money we'd be talking about if that were the case today?

When we had our house renovated a few years back we were told that the Master Electrician on site was earning about $40+K a year and a Master Plumber at the $46+K level. That's way better then most entry level jobs of college graduates who still have 20 years or so to pay off college loans.

I'm not suggesting that kids shouldn't plan or actually go to college, but the University life isn't a perfect fit for EVERYBODY!

KIDS.... realize that when we adults need help with Plumbing Repairs, Electrical Repairs, Car Repairs, etc., we sometimes have a hard time finding someone who is reputable, trust-worthy, and within our budgets to get the problem fixed. What ever happened to the Vocational Schools? We need to tell local authorities that there's a need for more of them again!

My Life as a High School A.D. (again)

Three more days...just three more, and I don't have to get up at 6am if I don't want to. I'm running out of ideas for making lunch! Teaching 2 P.E. classes, getting additional coverages cause they think I'm not doing enough; answering the phone calls in the A.D. Office, receiving/sending emails, checking fields, checking the Weather Channel all day to see if we can really play that afternoon; running out to the Archery course each day, setting up targets, giving out equipment, supervising locker rooms.....

Then there are the team problems: this coach needs printed rosters; that coach needs a new water jug since the spigot on the last one broke; this coach is pissed cause they have to play soccer on a smaller field when the boys get the bigger field; that coach has a sportsmanship problem at the end of a game; this coach won't let a parent pick up her kid after an "away" game b/c the coach says the "proper paperwork" wasn't filled out....etc. etc. etc.

And I'm wearing a set of keys with three different rings on them made up of 10 keys each...and I only figured out two keys that work!!

Just got an email from an Asst Principal that he needed my help in a "Practice Bus Evacuation" on 9/23....hahahaha, my last day is 9/21!!

Ain't I having fun?......three more days!!!!

Pet Peeves!

Sorry I haven't written in a while...so here goes:

Don't you wish you had a proper vehicle to put your pet peeves down in writing? Well this is mine. These are not necessarily in priority order:

1) Smokers who think the world is their ashtray when they roll down the driver's side window and deposit their butts on the side of the road. Don't you wish you had the nerve to get out of your car, pick it up, and hand it to them before the light changes?

2) People who say "Now that being said...". Don't you know for sure that something bad is coming next?

3) People who refuse to buy a hands-free devise while driving and try to make a left hand turn while you're coming the other way? Don't they know it's the LAW?

4) People who are in front of you making a left hand turn and don't pull up under the light so you can get through just before the light changes?

5) Police and Fire Department calling for donations who make you think YOU won't be a priority if something happens and you don't donate. They don't say that but they get you thinking!

6) All the octagenarian medicine commercials (Gasex, Viagra, etc.) during the Nightly News with Brian Williams. Who do they think the viewers are, old people?

7) The people who pull into the gas station just before you and don't pull up to the farthest pump so you can use the nearer pump.

8) The lack of regulated and timed signals in downtown Baltimore. Stop at Red, go one block, stop at Red, go one block, stop at Red...you get the idea!

9) People in front of you in the grocery line who detect the wrong price on a $.69 item and ask to speak to the manager.

10) People in restaurants celebrating special occasions right next to us while we're trying to have a romantic dinner! ...and the waitstaff singing "Happy Birthday" off-key!

Excuse me while I take a tranquilizer!!!

Birthday Blog

There has been an overwhelming cry for another blog from me. Actually one of my ex-Baseball players asked me to write one because he was bored being a Doctor (and he could never hit curveballs). Anyway, speaking of Medicare, I entered into this fiasco a birthday or so ago. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to recoup the money I put into it through the years. And if I'm recouping that money doesn't that mean I've been sick? What a conundrum! That's "a confusing and difficult problem or question" for those of us who didn't do as well as others on our S.A.T. scores.

Anyway, things have slowed down a bit as this summer starts. There's only so much mulch to be thrown and so many weeds to be pulled. I've broken the "honeydo" chain by starting piano lessons again! I left off when I was 12 years old to the disgrace of my Mother. My Dad wasn't so upset as I replaced those lessons with a Baseball and Bat and seemed to do ok with the results. My piano teacher tells me I might be a prodigy on the piano if I keep it up for the next 12 years. At $86 for each set of 4 lessons its a bargain don't you think? Do you think she speaks with a forked tongue....and she only takes cash....that might be a clue as to my success as a reincarnated Van Cliburn. I'm very proud of myself since I've surpassed Frere' Jacque and Jingle Bells. Now how many of you can say you can play those two pieces without mistakes? My problem during lesson time is that when I play a bad note I tend to curse, and the teacher is a Morman. I think she is trying to get me to switch to the trumpet so I can't talk while I play.

So its refereeing some Swimming meets and going to dinner a couple of times a week with Geri. I don't play golf anymore; I quit after throwing the clubs farther than I was hitting the balls (sorry an old joke).

So I wish everyone a healthy and happy hot, steamy Baltimore summer (unless you're reading this somewhere in Canada where its much more pleasant that the Mid-Atlantic). We're heading to Belize at the end of the summer (its slightly hotter there) so I've got to start my Belize language lessons soon. What the heck do they speak in Belize anyway??? Adios!

Softball Wars of 2011...almost over!

Apologies for not blogging since December. I'm very busy in retirement (what's wrong with that statement?). Anyway, after a long-term sub assignment in the Special Needs class I love so much, Geri and I packed up the Prius, with her Kayak on the roof, dog Pepper in the back, and headed for Florida at the end of January. The average temperature in the month there was 75 degrees. Sorry guys if you were in the Mid-Atlantic during that time.

We left at the end of February at 7:30am, temperature at 68 degrees and reached North Carolina 10 hours later, temperature 43 degrees. This did not bode well for the Mid-Atlantic. We arrived home with excellent tans the next day...39 degrees!

Two days later I started my college softball schedule with a double-header at Coppin State University vs Connecticut Central University. Connecticut was traveling south in order to get better weather at the start of their season (haha). At the 4pm game time it was 38 degrees and we were playing a double-header. It got colder and colder and the ladies couldn't feel their fingers after a while. Neither could the umpires. Thank goodness for UnderArmour because I had four layers of that miracle fabric on and was still shaking during the 2nd game. At least behind the plate I had some extra layers on with all the safety equipment we wear. At the conclusion of that event it was 29 degrees and the 2nd game (wouldn't you know it) was a blowout, 8-run rule, but it took us 1 1/2 hours to get to the 5th inning. I never saw a group of college players run for the locker room as fast as they did.

Most of the other D1 games I did were fairly uneventful until I got to the April 13 assignment at the University of Delaware. Their conference pays a pretty good fee for games so the gas and tolls I paid didn't seem to matter much. However, during the morning hours it started to rain and continued raining the entire time I traveled to their stadium. They insisted on playing (their choice) so we started the game in the rain, which began its destruction of the field in short time. We stopped the game 6 times so the maintenance people could apply Turface to the field (drying compound) but to no avail. We finally called the game after over an hour of this mess when one pitcher proceeded to fling several fastballs at batters heads...uncontrollably! On the way back to Towson it stopped raining (after 8 hours). I received a call from Delaware's Conference Office that we would only be paid for one game because we "didn't hang around to see if a 2nd game could be played". Can you believe that?

Then there was the Ivy League assignment at Penn vs Princeton. I got lost in Philadelphia with the directions I was given and arrived at the site 20 minutes before game time. We were supposed to have a 3-man crew but there were only 2 of us. Somehow we made them happy. On the way home I was traveling behind a cement truck who proceeded to throw pebbles on my wife's Prius. It cost $50 to get the window repaired. Another momentous day.

I have to tell you about a game I had the other day which put a cap on this season. I do some high school games once in a while because I enjoy working with young players starting out. The game featured two private school girls' teams that shall go unnamed. I arrived at the field 50 minutes prior to game time, no one was there. 30 minutes prior to the game the visitors showed up. 20 minutes prior to gametime the home team began "sauntering" in. Their coach came up to me and stated that they were having a terrible season and that the girls were losing interest (they were 0-11). Therefore he was going to play the game with modified rules. It would be a 5-inning game with a maximum of 5 runs allowed by each team each inning. I tried to start the game on time but one of the home team players only had one shoe so we had to wait because they only had 9 players. We finally started. One pitcher was throwing a perfect 10-foot arc (it wasn't slow-pitch...it was fast pitch!). The other pitcher was an Eastern European exchange student and she couldn't understand the strike zone. At one point a girl at bat asked for "time-out" because she heard someone sneeze on the bench and she wanted to say "Bless You". We finally got to the fifth inning after 1 1/2 hours and the home team scored a run to break a tie. They were ecstatic because it was their first win. They screamed and jumped on each other in a pile. However the other coach wanted to protest the game because we stopped it at the 5th inning (his team was 1-11). Apparently he didn't pay attention to the "modified" rules stated in the pre-game conference.

Its lovely being retired and involving myself in all these joyous occasions!