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A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Game

2012-01-11T05:04:00.000-08:00

When I substitute teach I like to tell the kids in my classes a little story or joke just to break the ice. Most of the kids who see me ask for a new story. So here's one I told yesterday...

A long time ago, when I coached baseball at a local City High School, we were scheduled to play a game at a school in the Western part of Baltimore County which required a good deal of travel time. I got the players out of class early so we would be able to get to the opponent's field early and perhaps take a little batting practice (which I threw since my pitching staff at that time was strike-zone challenged).

We left school in plenty of time to keep to our schedule and I was deeply engrossed in some paperwork while traveling. After a while I looked up and saw that we seemed to be going in an unfamiliar direction based on the way I had traveled to this particular school in prior years. I asked the rather rotund female driver if she knew where she was going and she replied that she knew where the school was located. I asked if her supervisors had given her directions and she replied, "Don't need any, know the way".

When we approached the entrance to the Harbor Tunnel I knew we were in trouble. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and asked me to come up and speak to her. She said, "Did you know we had a toll to pay to go through this tunnel?" I replied, "So what, pay the toll and let's get moving." Her reply, "I ain't got no money to pay no toll!". Perplexed as I was, and figuring that our pre-arranged schedule just went to Hell, I replied, "Didn't your Supervisor give you money to pay the toll?", upon which she stated, "I forgot to ask him about it". So I quizzically inquired as to what she might require of me so we could get moving. She indicated that perhaps she could borrow the money from me. After profuse giggles from the players in the bus we decided to take up a collection from the players and me so we could pay the toll. I didn't have my wallet with me and only a little change in my pocket.

After collecting the needed funds we proceeded forward and I asked her where the phone or communication devise was located on the bus to which she replied..."Broke".

After all this fun we were late, lost the game, and when I called the bus company the next day to inquire about this driver the answer I got was..."She Quit!"...True Story, just one of many in the Naked City.

A Great Prank

2011-11-29T03:41:00.000-08:00

When I substitute I always start off with a story. The kids in my classes who know me wait for the stories. So recently I told them about a great prank that was played on me during my time as Athletic Director at Mergenthaler Vo-Tech HS, a school located in the Baltimore City School System. I was there between 1980-1990.

I was the "Guru" of health back then. People would come to me for advice on what to eat, how to eat, when to eat, and ask about various exercise plans that they could use and keep up with.

One day in 1983 I had a doctor's appointment. They drew blood for various tests. One was a cholesterol screening. A few days after the test the Doc called me and said, "We need to talk". I said, "About what?". He then proceeded to tell me my cholesterol level was in the "HIGH" range and with my family history we needed to do something about that. So from that time until now I've taken three little pills that keep me on this side of the grass.

After I heard this news from the Doc I walked around in a gray "funk" for several days. My coaching staff, a bunch of fun-loving guys and gals, got tired of my moodiness and decided to do something about it. One day I walked into my office and on the walls, where I had many athletic artifacts saved from years of collecting, were little tags hanging by strings from each piece. I read the first, "In case of Schlenoff's death I claim this football helmet". My football coach's name appeared on the tag. I looked at another and the tag read, "In case of Schlenoff's death I claim this fencing sword", signed by my wrestling coach. All around the room my coaching staff had claimed all my "stuff" in case of my death. At 1st I was upset and then I started to laugh. What a bunch of morons.

But that's not all... a few days later the School Police Officer came to my office and asked me to come with him, he had to show me something. He took me all the way to the other side of the building and tried to open a locked door, which he couldn't. I said, "What's going on?", he answered, "must be the wrong set of keys, I'll show you this later". So back to my office we went. As I put my key in the door the School Police Officer start to back up. "What's wrong?", I asked. No reply. As I opened the door, to my utter amazement, on my desk was a full-size, pine COFFIN. After a few well-placed utterances by me, I heard some snickering in the adjacent office. My entire coaching staff, including the Principal of the school, were hiding in that office and they all started bursting out laughing at the same time. I started to laugh also until one of these jerks told me to open the coffin. When I did, out jumped my Assistant A.D. yelling "Surprise". After realizing I was going to make it through this prank without a major breakdown, I also laughed. These clowns had been in the basement of the school and found the coffin used in a school play sometime in the past.

Some time soon I'll tell you about another major prank (this one took a lot of planning on everyone's part). We did these things just to keep our sanity while in the teaching profession.

Tell Your Kids To Have A "Plan B".

2011-10-29T04:27:00.000-07:00

Recently I was featured as a local radio talk show's guest speaker on Maryland's 50,000 watt AM radio station. Actually I wasn't the guest speaker, I just called in just before their News Break on my cell phone which almost guarantees you get on because you can't talk too long before the News Break.

Anyway, the subject at the time was the horrendous cost of college tuition in the United States and how student loan responsibilities may far outweigh the financial benefits of a college education. Some graduates (or their parents) may be strapped with government (or bank) loans for most of their careers, if they're lucky enough to even find a job.

When I ride by college campuses, I wonder how those bright-eyed, bushy-tailed collegians are going to fair when its their time to get out into the cruel world of taxes, home ownership, commodity purchases, etc. That's why I suggest to those who plan to go to college that they consider a "Plan B". Even though you want to pursue a direction that let's you express your passions for life, remember that there are areas in society where you might be the only person who thinks your passions are important.

When I was the Athletic Director at a local City Vocational High School back in the 1980's, I had a young man stop by one day and ask me how much money I earned as a teacher. After telling him it wasn't any of his damn business he proceeded to explain that after graduating from this particular high school, with an emphasis in auto mechanics, he was earning $8 per hour as an apprentice diesel truck mechanic...and that after he finished his apprenticeship he would be earning $13 per hour as a certified diesel truck mechanic. This was back in the 1980's! Do you know what kind of money we'd be talking about if that were the case today?

When we had our house renovated a few years back we were told that the Master Electrician on site was earning about $40+K a year and a Master Plumber at the $46+K level. That's way better then most entry level jobs of college graduates who still have 20 years or so to pay off college loans.

I'm not suggesting that kids shouldn't plan or actually go to college, but the University life isn't a perfect fit for EVERYBODY!

KIDS.... realize that when we adults need help with Plumbing Repairs, Electrical Repairs, Car Repairs, etc., we sometimes have a hard time finding someone who is reputable, trust-worthy, and within our budgets to get the problem fixed. What ever happened to the Vocational Schools? We need to tell local authorities that there's a need for more of them again!

My Life as a High School A.D. (again)

2011-09-16T03:46:00.000-07:00

Three more days...just three more, and I don't have to get up at 6am if I don't want to. I'm running out of ideas for making lunch! Teaching 2 P.E. classes, getting additional coverages cause they think I'm not doing enough; answering the phone calls in the A.D. Office, receiving/sending emails, checking fields, checking the Weather Channel all day to see if we can really play that afternoon; running out to the Archery course each day, setting up targets, giving out equipment, supervising locker rooms.....

Then there are the team problems: this coach needs printed rosters; that coach needs a new water jug since the spigot on the last one broke; this coach is pissed cause they have to play soccer on a smaller field when the boys get the bigger field; that coach has a sportsmanship problem at the end of a game; this coach won't let a parent pick up her kid after an "away" game b/c the coach says the "proper paperwork" wasn't filled out....etc. etc. etc.

And I'm wearing a set of keys with three different rings on them made up of 10 keys each...and I only figured out two keys that work!!

Just got an email from an Asst Principal that he needed my help in a "Practice Bus Evacuation" on 9/23....hahahaha, my last day is 9/21!!

Ain't I having fun?......three more days!!!!

Pet Peeves!

2011-09-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't written in a while...so here goes:

Don't you wish you had a proper vehicle to put your pet peeves down in writing? Well this is mine. These are not necessarily in priority order:

1) Smokers who think the world is their ashtray when they roll down the driver's side window and deposit their butts on the side of the road. Don't you wish you had the nerve to get out of your car, pick it up, and hand it to them before the light changes?

2) People who say "Now that being said...". Don't you know for sure that something bad is coming next?

3) People who refuse to buy a hands-free devise while driving and try to make a left hand turn while you're coming the other way? Don't they know it's the LAW?

4) People who are in front of you making a left hand turn and don't pull up under the light so you can get through just before the light changes?

5) Police and Fire Department calling for donations who make you think YOU won't be a priority if something happens and you don't donate. They don't say that but they get you thinking!

6) All the octagenarian medicine commercials (Gasex, Viagra, etc.) during the Nightly News with Brian Williams. Who do they think the viewers are, old people?

7) The people who pull into the gas station just before you and don't pull up to the farthest pump so you can use the nearer pump.

8) The lack of regulated and timed signals in downtown Baltimore. Stop at Red, go one block, stop at Red, go one block, stop at Red...you get the idea!

9) People in front of you in the grocery line who detect the wrong price on a $.69 item and ask to speak to the manager.

10) People in restaurants celebrating special occasions right next to us while we're trying to have a romantic dinner! ...and the waitstaff singing "Happy Birthday" off-key!

Excuse me while I take a tranquilizer!!!

Birthday Blog

2011-06-07T10:59:00.000-07:00

There has been an overwhelming cry for another blog from me. Actually one of my ex-Baseball players asked me to write one because he was bored being a Doctor (and he could never hit curveballs). Anyway, speaking of Medicare, I entered into this fiasco a birthday or so ago. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to recoup the money I put into it through the years. And if I'm recouping that money doesn't that mean I've been sick? What a conundrum! That's "a confusing and difficult problem or question" for those of us who didn't do as well as others on our S.A.T. scores.

Anyway, things have slowed down a bit as this summer starts. There's only so much mulch to be thrown and so many weeds to be pulled. I've broken the "honeydo" chain by starting piano lessons again! I left off when I was 12 years old to the disgrace of my Mother. My Dad wasn't so upset as I replaced those lessons with a Baseball and Bat and seemed to do ok with the results. My piano teacher tells me I might be a prodigy on the piano if I keep it up for the next 12 years. At $86 for each set of 4 lessons its a bargain don't you think? Do you think she speaks with a forked tongue....and she only takes cash....that might be a clue as to my success as a reincarnated Van Cliburn. I'm very proud of myself since I've surpassed Frere' Jacque and Jingle Bells. Now how many of you can say you can play those two pieces without mistakes? My problem during lesson time is that when I play a bad note I tend to curse, and the teacher is a Morman. I think she is trying to get me to switch to the trumpet so I can't talk while I play.

So its refereeing some Swimming meets and going to dinner a couple of times a week with Geri. I don't play golf anymore; I quit after throwing the clubs farther than I was hitting the balls (sorry an old joke).

So I wish everyone a healthy and happy hot, steamy Baltimore summer (unless you're reading this somewhere in Canada where its much more pleasant that the Mid-Atlantic). We're heading to Belize at the end of the summer (its slightly hotter there) so I've got to start my Belize language lessons soon. What the heck do they speak in Belize anyway??? Adios!

Softball Wars of 2011...almost over!

2011-05-06T03:09:00.000-07:00

Apologies for not blogging since December. I'm very busy in retirement (what's wrong with that statement?). Anyway, after a long-term sub assignment in the Special Needs class I love so much, Geri and I packed up the Prius, with her Kayak on the roof, dog Pepper in the back, and headed for Florida at the end of January. The average temperature in the month there was 75 degrees. Sorry guys if you were in the Mid-Atlantic during that time.

We left at the end of February at 7:30am, temperature at 68 degrees and reached North Carolina 10 hours later, temperature 43 degrees. This did not bode well for the Mid-Atlantic. We arrived home with excellent tans the next day...39 degrees!

Two days later I started my college softball schedule with a double-header at Coppin State University vs Connecticut Central University. Connecticut was traveling south in order to get better weather at the start of their season (haha). At the 4pm game time it was 38 degrees and we were playing a double-header. It got colder and colder and the ladies couldn't feel their fingers after a while. Neither could the umpires. Thank goodness for UnderArmour because I had four layers of that miracle fabric on and was still shaking during the 2nd game. At least behind the plate I had some extra layers on with all the safety equipment we wear. At the conclusion of that event it was 29 degrees and the 2nd game (wouldn't you know it) was a blowout, 8-run rule, but it took us 1 1/2 hours to get to the 5th inning. I never saw a group of college players run for the locker room as fast as they did.

Most of the other D1 games I did were fairly uneventful until I got to the April 13 assignment at the University of Delaware. Their conference pays a pretty good fee for games so the gas and tolls I paid didn't seem to matter much. However, during the morning hours it started to rain and continued raining the entire time I traveled to their stadium. They insisted on playing (their choice) so we started the game in the rain, which began its destruction of the field in short time. We stopped the game 6 times so the maintenance people could apply Turface to the field (drying compound) but to no avail. We finally called the game after over an hour of this mess when one pitcher proceeded to fling several fastballs at batters heads...uncontrollably! On the way back to Towson it stopped raining (after 8 hours). I received a call from Delaware's Conference Office that we would only be paid for one game because we "didn't hang around to see if a 2nd game could be played". Can you believe that?

Then there was the Ivy League assignment at Penn vs Princeton. I got lost in Philadelphia with the directions I was given and arrived at the site 20 minutes before game time. We were supposed to have a 3-man crew but there were only 2 of us. Somehow we made them happy. On the way home I was traveling behind a cement truck who proceeded to throw pebbles on my wife's Prius. It cost $50 to get the window repaired. Another momentous day.

I have to tell you about a game I had the other day which put a cap on this season. I do some high school games once in a while because I enjoy working with young players starting out. The game featured two private school girls' teams that shall go unnamed. I arrived at the field 50 minutes prior to game time, no one was there. 30 minutes prior to the game the visitors showed up. 20 minutes prior to gametime the home team began "sauntering" in. Their coach came up to me and stated that they were having a terrible season and that the girls were losing interest (they were 0-11). Therefore he was going to play the game with modified rules. It would be a 5-inning game with a maximum of 5 runs allowed by each team each inning. I tried to start the game on time but one of the home team players only had one shoe so we had to wait because they only had 9 players. We finally started. One pitcher was throwing a perfect 10-foot arc (it wasn't slow-pitch...it was fast pitch!). The other pitcher was an Eastern European exchange student and she couldn't understand the strike zone. At one point a girl at bat asked for "time-out" because she heard someone sneeze on the bench and she wanted to say "Bless You". We finally got to the fifth inning after 1 1/2 hours and the home team scored a run to break a tie. They were ecstatic because it was their first win. They screamed and jumped on each other in a pile. However the other coach wanted to protest the game because we stopped it at the 5th inning (his team was 1-11). Apparently he didn't pay attention to the "modified" rules stated in the pre-game conference.

Its lovely being retired and involving myself in all these joyous occasions!

KRUSCIKI !!!

2010-12-19T09:56:00.000-08:00

Doesn't everyone know what KRUSCIKI are? Polish Bow Ties! My wife Geri had this tradition for as many years as she can remember that family would gather around the kitchen at Stella's house and make these KRUSCIKIs. She wanted to continue the tradition so she invited some family and some non-Pollack friends to make, and learn how to make these Christmas treats.

There was flour everywhere and Chrisco Oil boiling in the big fry pan. Many, many eggs were cracked and dough rolled. Not my favorite treat in my low cholesterol diet. However, I will eat one just to test it's authenticity. My kids used to call these treats "Crushed Chickens". So if you're all good boys and girls maybe Geri will invite you here next year to be among the chefs.

Dressing Up

2010-12-05T04:51:00.000-08:00

What's the big deal about dressing up?

For many years, while at my job in Education I wore a tie to work. Here's a quote by Lin Yutang, "I have a hankering to go back to the Orient and discard my necktie. Neckties strangle clear thinking." I always wanted to wear one of those Tuxedo T-Shirts to a formal affair just to see what kind of reaction I'd get. How come when the rules say "Black Tie Optional" all men look virtually the same and women won't be caught dead in gowns that look alike! And it ain't really OPTIONAL guys, is it? Big deal, some guys wear different colored bow ties and cummerbunds...how exciting! Some of my friends know I don't relish dressing up even though I appreciate others dressing up because it makes them feel good. My wife looks terrific dressed up.

Who makes the rules anyhow? Would it really bother anyone if Brian Williams wore an open-collared sport-shirt with no tie on the NBC Evening news? He probably wouldn't since I guess he needs someplace to spend the 12-million- dollar salary he makes for reading a 30-minute newscast (minus commercial time)... by the way, how come all the commercials on his newscasts involve medicines for older people? And how come when he goes on his phony trips abroad to "report from the front" he wears his correspondent's Khaki shirts with buttons on the pockets? Why doesn't he wear one of his many Brooks Brothers suits on the front lines? Mark Twain said, "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.". Maybe if you're partially dressed someone might pay attention to you. Must be why someone told me a long time ago if you feel nervous about public speaking make believe everyone in the audience is naked.

I keep seeing these science fiction flicks of the future where people are all wearing one-piece jump suits. I hope I live that long. If that happens in my lifetime I will no longer have to order my clothes from Haband online!

Halloween 2010

2010-10-31T04:12:00.000-07:00

Went to a terrific Halloween party at the Plum's of Kingsville last night. Great house in the wilds of Baltimore County near the Harford County border. Host was dressed as Caesar, hostess as Cleopatra. Geri's creative juices were flowing so she dressed as an accident victim with crutch, blood all over, facial scars, and bandages. She had me dressed as a sleazy lawyer with my hair and moustashe blackened, dark suit, and a briefcase with $100 dollar bills hanging out. I passed out cards with my firm's names on them I.e. Skinnum, Alive, and Runn...Chasum, Screwum, and Craponum ...Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe, etc. My name for the evening was Rip M. Off.

Some other interesting costumes were: a guy in a box dressed as an NFL Replay, a woman in a box painted with bricks whose husband came as a bricklayer (only if he got lucky once a month), several guys in drag (not sure of their persuasions cause I didn't see female companions), several Phantoms of the Operas....boring!

One woman came in as a Flapper with lots of beads and a well exposed sternum area. She partied and danced around the house for an hour or so and then left. No one knew who she was or if she came with anyone. The host told me he didn't care and that she would be invited to all his future parties, weddings, retirement events, bar Mitzvahs, etc.... if he could find out who she was!

Our friend Judy came as a nurse, her husband Chris as a Surgeon. Unfortunately she tripped on a bad spot near the bar and injured her leg. I immediately gave her my card and started interviewing witnesses, preparing for a liability suit. Her husband, costumed as a doctor, didn't help a bit because he was dressed as a Gynecologist!

We had fun!!

Shame On You Baltimore City Schools!

2010-08-07T04:34:00.000-07:00

I retired in 2004 after 34 years of teaching in the Baltimore City Public Schools. I must have inherited a good work ethic from my parents because I rarely was out sick even after some pretty dicey medical issues.

That being said, I have a perfect right to criticize what I believe to be a lack of organization, expertise, helpfulness, and common sense in the halls of the administration of the BCPS.

Most recently, Penny, a friend of mine, decided to apply for a new teaching assignment in another county of Maryland after teaching in Baltimore City for a few years. There is a window of opportunity that makes life a bit easier for teachers trying to transfer from the City to other counties. The process becomes much easier when completed by July 15. After July 15 it becomes more difficult, especially when one has to deal with the employees of the Human Relations Department (Personnel) in the City Schools.

My friend Penny received an offer to teach in a neighboring county and needed to resign from Baltimore City. The July 15th date had passed so there was concern whether Baltimore City would assist as energetically. The answer was clear shortly after the "magic" date passed. Her resignation was taken to the Human Relations Department in the City and accepted. Penny was given a signed form which indicated that she was terminated "without prejudice". This form was taken to the neighboring county personnel officer who told her they needed an "official" letter on Baltimore City stationary confirming the resignation. The Human Relations officer in the City told her he did not have the authority to produce such a letter and referred her to his supervisor. His supervisor told her that he could not produce such a letter and referred her back to the Human Relations Officer. Penny told the neighboring county personal officer about this and he told her to get the name and/or email address of the Human Relations officer in the City so he could contact him and work on this Catch 22.

Penny was then directed to the Records Office in the City Schools, perhaps they could write the letter. She followed this request to that office with multiple emails to everyone in the Human Relations Department of the City Schools she could think of. She received a reply from some upper-level administrator who said that the letter was no problem and that she would take care of it right away.

I sent an email to a friend of mine who worked in that same Personnel Office in the City for many years. He was so frustrated with the operation of that office that he left about 5 years ago and took a similar job in a neighboring county. His reply to me, after I told him about all this nonsense was "they haven't changed their ways since I left...in fact it's gotten worse!"

If I had any thought about NOT retiring in 2004 from the City Schools it was only for a brief fleeting moment. Is it any wonder that good teachers are leaving there in droves?

So you Want To Own A Timeshare

2010-07-24T06:39:00.000-07:00

A few years back while strolling on the streets of Chareston SC my wife Geri and I were accosted by a rather decent looking young man carrying a clipboard and winning smile. We were touched by his good nature and apparent generosity. He was offering us a free meal and night's stay in Charleston. All we had to do was agree to be kidnapped for two hours and listen to a talk on a "chance of a lifetime."

Well we couldn't take him up on the night's stay because we were on our way to Florida but we agreed to catch him on the flip side. My wife and I both knew what was ahead of us so we reinforced our positions that we were NOT going to purchase a Timeshare no matter what was offered!

On the way back from Florida we arrived in Charleston assured in the strength of our convictions. Two hours later we owned a Timeshare in Charleston SC! We made the salespeople very happy. We were pleased that they were pleased.

Anyway we've used the "banking" option a couple of times for very nice vacations, one in Florida and one in Tahoe. It'll take us a few years to catch up with what we paid for the "Prime" week they gave us out of the goodness of their hearts, but we have plans for some nice trips to come.

By the way.....because of the present economic conditions they're selling Timeshares for pennies on the dollar. Owners can't afford the annual "maintenance" fees. They should change the name to annual "contributions" because all the collections from 52 weeks of owners in one unit sure ain't going to the "maintenance" of the unit.

So as we leave Lake Tahoe after a terrific week of unbelievable weather I leave you with this thought...if a guy with a clipboard walks up to you and offers a free meal, and he's not involved in Voter Regustration....WALK AWAY!! You can buy Timeshares on EBay real cheap!

One Down, One To Go!

2010-06-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

Well, my older son Michael got hitched to a beautiful girl over the weekend. Nancy and Michael wanted it as informal as possible so they did the deed at our house under a fantastically decorated arbor in our backyard. The "quick" service was conducted by our good friend Chris Kahl, a retired judge who loves to perform at wedding ceremonies just for the free food and liquor! It was a small crowd because that's the way the newlyweds wanted it. It was scheduled for 4pm in hopes that our backyard would be in the shade by about 4:30 or so but the sun, and my neighbor's tree across the street did not cooperate, so the actual ceremony didn't take place until 5pm.

At the end of the ceremony Michael stepped on the (Jewish) traditional wine cup to indicate that the marriage would last as long as the broken glass...forever. Unfortunately he didn't sleep very well the night before and had to stomp down on it three times until his heel could find the cup!

The reception the next day was at Centennial Park in Howard County where the dress of the day was shorts and sandals. Everyone was appreciative since it was hotter that a Southwest Baltimore City Street in mid-July! The caterer was "This Swine's For You". They had a full pig presentation, pit beef, pit turkey, and lots of accessories. The pig did not speak as he was pre-occupied trying to survive the end of a 10-hour smoking in the pit. The food was terrific and the liquor was...well, you know how the liquor was.

Adam, Michael's brother, did his thing as Best Man, and told a few funny stories about Michael when they were growing up. He also brought a few tears to everyone's eyes when he confirmed how much in love he knew Nancy and Michael were from the time they first met.

So it was a busy weekend, and on Monday the newlyweds are off to an island in the Mediterranean. If they ever come back its off to Carney to move into their new house. Thanks to everyone who helped us celebrate the festivities Friday and Saturday.

My Baseball Friends

2010-05-15T14:59:00.001-07:00

Over lunch today with my sons Michael and Adam it was suggested I write about something interesting....like Baseball. I have a picture in my living room of three baseball players... all catchers: Edward Schlenoff (my Dad) who played semi-pro baseball with the Fire Department in New York City, Me (who played at BJC and Towson University (nee Towson State College), and my son Adam who played D1 at Mt St Mary's University.

Baseball has been a major part of our lives. I thought I'd relate a couple of cute stories that many in my family weren't aware of. In 1967 I was a Senior at Towson State, playing Baseball on a team who competed in the Mason-Dixon League. During the off-season I had a couple of friends who were P.E. Majors in my classes, notably Jim Palmer and Curt Blefary. Both were Orioles stars who had World Series experience. I became friends with both and as a matter of fact got free tickets from them to Memorial Stadium during the regular season. I'd go 3-4 nights a week and just watch baseball from the bleachers.

Part of our P.E. classes at Towson involved "Professional Courses". They were 1/2 credit and covered various sports (i.e. Badminton, Wrestling, etc). One of these sports was Football. Towson hadn't started Football yet but had a coach picked out who would teach this class and prepare the school for a Football program after we graduated. His name was Carl Runk and he was really a character. He played Football and Lacrosse at Arizona State after graduating from Patterson High School in Baltimore. Carl ordered football equipment for the class to use. We had helmets, shoulders pads, knee pads, etc. However, Palmer and Blefary refused to get dressed in equipment because they didn't want to take a chance of getting hurt. Runk kept calling them "Sissies". He gave me an "A" and gave Palmer and Blefary "Bs". They were upset.

On weekends in the off-season Blefary's attorney organized touch football games at Medfield Elementary (near Poly). We would choose up sides and play every Saturday. Palmer was one QB and I was the other. Blefary demanded that he receive 85% of all passes when he was on my team. He'd show up in his Red Cadillac with the top down even when it was 45 degrees outside. I think he wanted to be noticed.

Those were innocent and fun days. Blefary would invite everybody down to Sweeney's Bar on Greenmount Avenue after the games. We stuck real close to him because neither he nor his friends ever paid! Blefary was a star and the bar liked having him around. Palmer never went because he was a goody-two-shoes.

I saw Jim Palmer at the last Baltimore Orioles World Series Reunion where Hank Bauer gave a nice talk. Hank passed away recently. You always thought of those guys as indestructible. Palmer even remembered my name. By the way, I told Palmer that there is no rule in the Major League Rulebook that says "The Tie Goes to the Runner". He's said that a 100 times on his Orioles broadcasts. I wonder why he looks so good; must be the Florida sunshine and a couple of bottles of Just For Men.

The most traumatic moment during my senior year at Towson came after Blefary gave me one of his bats that was used in the Playoffs. That was the best bat I ever had (we didn't use metal bats then). It had so many sweet-spots it could make anyone a good hitter. I made All-Mason-Dixon as a Catcher that year. However, at batting practice one day our 2nd baseman picked it up and used it during his turn in the cage... and broke it. I chased him all around the field with tears in my eyes.

Ah, those were the days...Archie Bunker, 1985

A Day Trip to Havre de Grace

2010-05-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

Geri and I signed up for a day trip to Havre de Grace, Md. The natives call it "Hava de Grass". "Ya know Hon, up ere in northern Merrylin". This was part of a program sponsored by the Roland Park Country School called Kaleidoscope.

We met the bus in a parking lot of a Baptist Church in Towson. I considered going to the morning service but the bus was ready to go. As we entered the bus I viewed a sea of gray. This was no spring chicken get-a-way. I knew this group was elderly when two different ladies sitting near me were discussing their husbands' recent demise.... both of them were WW2 brides. The conversation in the bus was getting louder and louder because there was definitely a hearing loss problem among the octogenarians. While the bus was en route to Havre de Grace the same two matrons kept heading for the co-ed bathroom. I guess their anticholinergic medications (medications for incontinence) weren't kicking in yet.

First stop in the itinerary was the Visitor's Center in Havre de Grace. It was closed! 2nd stop was the boat dock. We were told to be ready to board a paddle-boat (Mississippi River Boat clone) at 11:15 for a 2-hour ride on the Susquehanna River with lunch served aboard. We were told this 6 times. Apparently the elderly ladies did not hear it the 1st 5 times so when the leader said it for the 6th time I also yelled out "11:15 is the time to board ship"!! At lunch we sat across from two retirees at a table for 4. We were yelling at them because they could not hear. It was a fun time.

The ride on the Susquehanna was pleasant and informative. We traveled under several bridges on our way upstream. We didn't know that the Susquehanna is 400+ miles long but only navigable for 5 miles. Can you imagine a 400+ mile trip with table-mates who could not hear and asked you to repeat what you said 3 times before they got the message?

Anyway, after the boat came back and docked. We had an hour or so to "schmier" around the quaint little town. Did you know there are no stoplights in Havre de Grace? They want you to trust their drivers. The only problem was that many of their drivers are elderly retirees and if our table-mates were any indication of how the rest of them drive I'm frightened to walk down the street!

It was a lovely day and we were glad to take a break from the busy schedules we have. You should try a day trip to Havre de Grace. Just watch out for the silver-haired drivers in their Buicks!

Fun At Ye Ole Ballpark

2010-04-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

When you feel the constant pressure of umpiring Division 1, 2 and 3 NCAA Softball its great to squeeze in a local high school game once in a while. Recently I had a game featuring two local private schools. It was a lower level league as private schools go, so the main ingredient was having fun and not taking things too seriously.

There were plenty of fans in attendance, parking their BMW's and Mercedes near the field so as not to have too far to walk with their picnic baskets. Several showed up in golf carts (I don't know where they came from).

So the game began on a beautiful field of grass (legitimate softball fields have dirt infields). I didn't mind the grass as I didn't have to eat dust for 7 innings as I usually do and the players didn't get too mussed.

The 1st inning set the tone for the rest of the game. The home team allowed 1 run on 3 errors. The visitors then took the field and allowed 7 runs on 6 errors. The fans in their khaki shorts and pink button-down Ralph Lauren Polo shirts were just mildly irritated, which may have been caused by the sun hiding behind the clouds for a few minutes.

Later in the game one of the home team players informed her coach that she had to leave at 5pm for piano lessons. There was a mad rush to readjust the line-up. One of the visitors who had never played softball before took 3 pitches for strikes but refused to leave home plate. She assured my partner behind the plate that her girlfriend told her you get 4 strikes in this game. The home plate umpire disagreed and retired her to the bench.

A runner going to 2nd base with 1 out heard me yell "Out" on a play at 1st and thought I was talking about her, so she started to walk off the field until her coach yelled at her to return to 2nd base. Later a routine fly ball hit to the outfield was misjudged by the fielder, thrown to a cut-off who missed the ball, then when the pitcher finally came up with the ball she threw it over the catcher's head in dead ball territory. I believe several runs scored on this play.

All told there were 22 runs scored and 23 wild pitches thrown. I lost count of the errors. We had a lot of fun at Ye Ole Ballpark today. More fun than the 1-8 Orioles, even though the ability levels seem comparable!!

...On Approaching MEDICARE!

2010-04-01T04:07:00.000-07:00

June 7, 2010, a day that will live in Infamy, the United States Government, in their infinite wisdom, tags me with the official title of SENIOR! After contributing to some innocuous category in my paycheck stub for too many years (Medicare Wages), I'm very close to cashing in on the rewards.

I started getting letters in the mail from every healthcare insurance company in the Continental U.S. offering me a unique opportunity to buy into plans that would assist me after Medicare quit paying. How did these companies get my address anyhow?

Should I consider myself old now? I feel pretty good...still swim 1200 yards three times a week...still umpire college and high school softball...still walk 2 miles outside without wheezing. I'm thinking of trying "Just for Men". If I get the gray out and send pictures to the Government maybe they'll create a special category for me..."Senior...but at the top of his game".

So I threw all of those lovely invitations to have corporate help take care of me in my waning years right in the recycling bin. Blue Cross-Blue Shield is my pal. They'll take care of me when I forget where I live.

But right now I'm heading for the "Y" to swim my 1200 yards and get a free cup of coffee that the Y offers to the morning people. Isn't that what Seniors do????

Thank You American Idol

2010-03-11T02:01:00.000-08:00

I am a very light sleeper. I envy all of you who can fall asleep right away and stay asleep for more then 6 hours every night. I can't remember the last time I got 6+ hours of continuous sleep. However I've found the solution. No it's not Ambien, or Niquil or Benedryl...those make me drousy the next day. The solution is AMERICAN IDOL!

When American Idol comes on, my wife and all of her friends go into a state of temporary coma. They become affixed to the TV and do not pause for anything until it's completion. Bathroom, telephone, home invasion...all are put on hold. When that show comes on I go into the bedroom, put on some soft music and fall asleep almost immediately!

How can you guys stand that show? It's like watching an x-rated horror movie. You know something bad is going to happen, you just don't know when. And what's this guy Brian Sequist supposed to be doing? I'd rather resurrect Jack Parr, Merv Griffin, or Johnny Carson to host that show! The only honest person on the program is Simon Cowell. How come the audience "boos" him so much when he's always right? And that guy Randy... why does he call everybody "dog". Aren't they (or you) offended by that? And Ellen Degenerate, she loves everybody.

Well somebody is making a lot of money on this stuff. I heard Simon has more money than Bill Gates and Simon can't even use a computer. And what's up with him wearing T-Shirts on Prime Time television. He's probably selling his T's at K-Mart.

Will this show go on for ever? I hope so, it gives me a good night's sleep!

Musings On Our Return From The Equator

2010-03-02T06:25:00.000-08:00

Ok, so we weren't really near the Equator but I'll bet we were a hell of a lot closer to it in SW Florida then most of you were!

I have a few observations/questions about our visit to Ft Myers Beach and its environs:

• SW Florida has no right to offer February temperatures like we had...50's/60's daytime and 40s at night;
• I'll bet those visitors who had nothing to do but walk on the beach will not exercise at all when they get home;
• Why do women walking on the beach have to flail their arms so much when they walk?
• What's the big deal about bringing home chocolate alligators?
• A Prius gets sucky gas mileage when there's a Kayak filled with 100lbs of oranges & grapefruit and 200 lbs of luggage;
• The State of South Carolina should invest in fences along I-95; we passed three herd of deer having a snack 10 ft from the highway while we were going 70 mph with 18-wheelers on our heels;
• Why did Cracker Barrel display signs on the highway to join them for lunch... and when we traveled 2 miles off I-95 to get there the restaurant hadn't even been built yet?

Was the 18 hour trip worth it? You bet, getting away is great! How many years til your retirement?

Travelogue: Florida or Bust

2010-02-05T04:38:00.000-08:00

I'm sure my readers have read interesting stories of exciting travels. Here's mine...

We plan our annual trek to Florida for the month of February. That seemed like the best time for us to get away given our schedules. Three days before our departure the weatherman started his warning calls. It seems that extremely heavy snow was predicted the second we pulled out of the driveway. Using better judgement, we decided to wait until early afternoon to travel instead of early morning. We were all packed up and ready to go....1st mistake!

Looking at the Weather Channel we saw that the storm was moving quickly so it looked good for us to leave around 1pm. So off we went heading for the highways. But first, Geri insisted we stop by our son's house and pick up a fishing rod....2nd mistake! The roads leading to his house were treacherous. The side streets were almost impassable and we hadn't even left Baltimore City yet!

I assured my wife that the major highways would be salted and cleared so that travel on the Interstates would be a joy....3rd mistake! There was so much snow on I-95 that even the 18-wheelers couldn't see the lanes they were in. I just picked a spot behind the 18-wheelers and rode in their ruts. We passed at least 10 vehicles stranded in the gullies between the North and South sides of the highway.

This pattern was as our sole source of travel until we arrived at Rocky Mount, North Carolina, some 8 hours later. The trip would have been made in 5 hours under regular conditions. Our average speed was 35 MPH. It was 17 degrees with a 20 MPH wind blowing.

The next morning we were up early, ate a free Continental Breakfast (not sure which Continent it was supposed to be from). We left Rocky Mount heading South. Driving down the street from the hotel we couldn't find the exit back onto I-95. When we spotted it, there was about 20 feet between where were were (I think we were on a road) and the exit. I brazenly pulled into the medium strip to get to the exit and got stuck in the snow. First I drove and Geri pushed, then Geri drove and I pushed. After 10 minutes of this waltz we got the Prius out. Thanks to all the drivers who rode by us without stopping!

Did I forget to tell you that the gas meter registered "E" and it was BLINKING! When it blinks that means "don't be stupid, get to a gas station right away". We asked our trusty English Waitress on the Garman where the closest gas station was and she gave us some phone numbers. It was 7:30am and in the first three, no one answered. I was getting a little worried but my macho face never showed it. On the fifth call a guy answered and said he was open. After giving him her Polish Blessing, my wife gathered the directions to his oasis.

Back again on I-95 heading South. No salt, no snow plows, no lane lines, and plenty of ice. I can deal with snow, even on the Interstate, but not ice. Those crazy 18-wheelers must think snow and ice don't apply to them the way they sped past us. So thanks to the States of Virginia and North Carolina who would rather invest in keeping the exits open to their convenience stores than plow the main highways.

All of a sudden, when we passed Pedro's "South of the Border" the snow and ice started to disappear. South Carolina was our Saviour. The trip from there was great, averaging 70 MPH. We had a 13-hour trip that day to get to Ft Myers Beach. Even though I suggested getting some empty bottles so we wouldn't have to stop at restrooms, my crew wouldn't hear of that. Wife and dog Pepper insisted on three or four stops.

So we flew along all the way until 30 minutes short of our final destination. Geri checked the iPhone map and there was a long RED LINE on the screen indicating traffic stopped. We lost at least 30 minutes there and I still don't know why. We arrived at Ft Myers Beach at 11pm after leaving Rocky Mount at 7am.

Oh, did I forget to tell you it rained in Ft M B the next two days!!!

A Day in the Unemployment Line

2009-12-31T13:44:00.000-08:00

With the rising tide of unemployment in this country I was wondering what it would be like if our Biblical fathers had to experience a day on the unemployment line. Let's consider a long line in the Egyptian Social Services building extending around the block on a terribly hot afternoon in Cairo.

Anwar Sadatsky is the interviewer who has half-heartedly remained at his post to try to help Egyptian citizens who are out of work. The next person in line approaches him. He's a bit bedraggled and hasn't had a shave in many days. His clothes are tattered and torn and he wears his hair covered in a skullcap resting on his head. Anwar asks, "What is your name sir?". The man answers "Moses". Anwar asks "first name?". The stranger answers "Moses". "And what is your last name?" The answer..."Moses". "So you are called Moses Moses?" The man replied, "Just call me Moses".

"And Mr. Moses, how long have you been out of work?" Answer "forty days and forty nights". "What line of work were you in last?" Answer "Prophet". A surprised Anwar asks "So you were in Propheteering?" "No, says Moses" "Just a simple old Prophet". "And who did you work for during your tenure as a Prophet?" The answer "The Lord". What did The Lord have you do in your daily tasks?" "He wanted me to lead my people out of the wilderness".

Anwar then turns to his colleague Ismael and says "Hey Issy, you've got to hear this" "This guy says he's a prophet and his job is leading his people out of the wilderness and he works for The Lord." Ismael says "Ask him when he last talked to his boss". Moses replies "The other day on the mountain". "Really" says Ismael, "and how does he talk to you when he has jobs for you to do up on that mountain". Moses replies "In a burning bush".

So after evaluating Moses, the two Social Workers decide to send him for an interview to a travel agency in Cairo where Moses can best use his talents. He worked there for many years and was even given a piece of the business.

Why can't that happy ending be as easy to replicate nowadays?

Frauds on the Corner

2009-12-17T11:41:00.000-08:00

I know this is the season of giving and peace but I have a strong feeling that there are some who don't deserve it.

When passing a corner not too far from my home I spied a guy with a sign indicating he's homeless, hungry, and in need of medical supplies. He has his pant leg rolled up to the knee, graphically displaying an open wound of about 4 inches in length, bright red, and fairly deep. My problem is that I saw him on this same corner two weeks ago with a older sign, displaying the same injured leg. There was no measurable difference in the wound this week. It is the same size and color it was two weeks ago. I don't like being a cynic but this is either the best cosmetic make-up job I've ever seen or this guy is due for Gangrene therapy. I thought it would be cute to watch him after I gave him a roll of sterile bandages.

The other day I saw three perfectly healthy teenage kids with their dog on another corner. Their sign read "Travelers in Need of Some Help". Their dog seemed well-fed and happy. The kids were smoking cigarettes. Do you know the cost of cigarettes lately? Maybe they drove down to Virginia in their Prius and got the butts at a reduced price.

I really want to help these people but I don't feel they would use my donation wisely. I recall a skit somewhere on TV some time back where there was a company offering franchises to those who wanted to beg on corners. For 3 payments of $19.99 (plus S&H) you could get a cardboard sign, ragged clothes, a rented wheelchair to prop up on the STOP sign, and guaranteed access to a corner near your home.

One of these days I'm going to follow one of these panhandlers to see where they head home. Maybe to a high-rise in Suburbia?

...and thanks to the lady in the front of our line of cars who kept looking for change to give this guy and made the rest of us miss the green light!!

Why NYers are different than the rest of us.

2009-11-26T04:01:00.000-08:00

We visited the Big Apple for three days celebrating our anniversary. My antennae were up watching and listening to the sights and sounds of Manhattan. There are no people on Earth like NYers.

When you walk down the street you must keep the pace up or you might get walked over by people moving rapidly, trying to get to and from work. They don't see you or hear you because they all have cell phones stuck in their ears. Everybody's talking business and the adjectives are colorful. Its hard to find an obese person walking on the streets of NYC unless they are visitors. I guess that's because of the daily challenges of getting to and from their jobs using the subway.

I still haven't figured out the layout of Manhattan and probably never will. Its hard to fake out that you really don't know where you are and how to get to where you're going. However my handy-dandy iPhone, with its map app helps a whole lot, along with Geri's subway map (which as a REAL guy I refuse to use!) I wonder how the iPhone knows that you're walking because the directions are for walking, not driving.

You want to know why NYers are aggressive people? Just try to get a cab without running out in the middle of the street and stopping one of those Yellow Monsters with your hand. With enough of that action they ought to give you a Black Belt in Ti Quon Cabbie!

Every NY guy wears a business suit. They don't wear sports jackets and slacks. Why is this? There is no dress-down Friday in NYC.

Every guy with an unshaven beard, diamond earring, jeans below his hips and $150 Addidas basketball shoes is a plain-clothes cop. How do I know this? Because when they walk past you it sounds like they're talking to themselves until you hear the conversation about what a certain perpetrator looks like and where he can be found. The heavy metal object sticking out from under his tie-dyed-T-shirt is another give-a-way (I gotta stop using all these hyphens).

I don't want to totally bash NYC and NYers because we had a great time during our stay. Most NYers were very nice. In fact we were standing by the subway entrance trying to figure out where to catch a certain train when a guy stopped and asked if he could help us. After he explained how and where to go I had a better appreciation of the home-towners. Was I supposed to give him a tip?

"Rainman" Revisited

2009-11-15T03:43:00.000-08:00

A few years back I took a substitute teacher job in a Special Education self-contained class in a local high school. I wasn't sure what to expect so I stayed open-minded until I saw what I was in for. The class was in the (FALS) Functional Academic Learning Support program. These are kids who stay in a self-contained environment for Reading and Math, then go to other subjects as Inclusion students (Phys Ed, Art, Foods) then return after lunch to the FALS classroom for Socialization skills.

I really enjoyed my experience that day. A few days later I was asked if I'd consider a long-term sub position in that class while the teacher was on maternity leave. I thought about it for a while and accepted the job. It was supposed to be for 8 weeks but turned out to be 11. I bonded with those kids and enjoyed every day with them.

Now there's a different teacher in the class, just as committed to these kids as the previous one. He calls me each time he needs a sub and I look forward to being with the kids.They stay in the program, if necessary, until they are 21. Those who can function well enough can move to another level at a local university. They think they are in college but it's actually an extension of the same environment they've been in before.

Ricardo is now 18 years old. He is one of my favorites. I spend a lot of time trying to help him in Reading and Math but his ability and comprehension levels keep him at a rather stationary stage. He can't work much with any Arithmetic beyond single digit numbers. Recently his teacher decided to let him use a calculator some of the time so he's not so frustrated. In Reading, I mostly read to him and he enjoys that. Twice weekly the kids go out to work experiences at local businesses who cooperate with the program. Ricardo was a bagger at a grocery store. He loved it! I remember one day while waiting for him to get back on the bus he came out of the door waving dollar bills in his hand. He was so proud of the fact that people were giving him a tip for helping to bag their groceries. He yelled at me, "Look Coach, they gave me money!"

David is closer to 21 and tried the college experience for a while but could not function in it very well so he's back in the FALS program in high school. He is more functional then most of the kids. He can go home on his own and even takes public transportation to sports events where he meets his father. He remembers everyone's birthday. Whenever I ask him mine he nails it every time. Problem is he needs so much attention that some businesses ask that he not return because he requires so much attention. He asks a question about every 15 seconds.

Bobby will be trying out for the next sequel of "Rainman". I love Bobby. He talks a mile a minute and has a smile on his face 24/7. Some of his functions need constant reminders so I set up a special "Code Red" between him and me to remind him when to visit the rest room. Bobby stays out in the hall and directs traffic during class changes so other students aren't late to their next class. They all "high 5" him as they pass by. While we waited for the bus after his work experience, he and I set up a radio show on the steps of a pet store. His job there was to clean the front of the aquariums. Bobby did the weather and I did the sports. I would introduce him as our on site weatherman and ask him what his prediction would be for the day. He always answered the same way.... "Nice". Bobby and I had lots of fun with that schtick and the other kids with us really enjoyed his "reports". I was always hoping the bus would be late so we could keep doing our radio show.

So this is a small sample of the kids I work with when I sub in this program. To tell you the truth, I'd do it for nothing if the County could no longer pay for subs. I love these kids.

Teacher Jokes

2009-10-16T05:55:00.000-07:00

____________________________________
TEACHER: M aria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________ 0D
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O..
____________________________ ______
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_____________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted=2 0it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when=2
0
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

BAD Experiences at the Super Market

2009-10-05T03:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had bad experiences at the Super Market? I have.

There are a few near our house that I rotate going to depending on how I feel that day. The one that stands out in the Worst Experiences category is the one that rhymes with "BOPPERS". I went there recently to get some things we needed. They don't accept coupons because they claim their prices are so low you don't need coupons. Well you can't prove that to me from what I've seen. Actually their prices are usually higher than the others I frequent.

Anyway, I loaded my cart up at the local "BOPPERS" Super Market and after being certain I paid way too much for the articles, I started for the check-out line. There was only one woman in the line I picked so I figured I was home-free because I couldn't see anything she had other than a couple of gallons of milk and some bread. She handed the clerk some sort of card that looked like a gift card. The clerk tried the card and it wouldn't register. She tried again and still no luck. The woman claimed that someone else had given her the card to buy the groceries and that she was sure it should work.

During this situation I had placed all my articles on the belt waiting for this lady to complete her transaction.

Now the clerk calls her partner clerk next to her to see if she's doing anything wrong in registering the card. The partner can't get the card to register either. By this time I'm in line with my purchases for about 10 minutes. I look around and there are 2 registers open without customers, but all my stuff is on the belt!

So to get back to the story...the 2 clerks call the manager who brings his assistant with him to try to figure out why this woman's card won't
register. There are now 4 experts trying to log in this card! After another 5 minutes the woman says to the manager, "I guess there wasn't
enough money on the card for these purchases"...and hands the group ANOTHER card to try.

This is where my patience button has been pushed!!! I grab all the stuff from the belt, throw it into my cart and push the cart toward the managers office. As I pass the manager I state," Here's my over-priced stuff, you can put it back if you ever finish with this woman who obviously doesn't have enough money for her purchase!!...and I left.

Do these stores see me coming I wonder?

Violation! Walking down the left side of the hall!

2009-09-12T06:51:00.000-07:00

I substitute occasionally in a local public middle school. Its an eye-opening experience. Those kiddies are sssooo small! If the rules and regulations followed in this middle school were carried along to high school and college we wouldn't have any discipline problems with the 15+ age groups.

First of all the kids line up in the hallways prior to the start of school and wait for the morning bell to ring. They are quiet and reserved and are looking forward to their day of school. When the bell rings (or buzzer to be exact) they walk quietly down the hallways to their lockers to get organized for the day (how can 11 or 12-yr-old kids be organized?).

Then the rules of the school kick in. First they must walk on the Right side of the hall. Believe it or not there is a yellow line (I'm surprised its not RED) down the middle of the hallway and God forbid anyone walk on or over that line. I've heard teachers (ALL of whom are in the hallways supervising) scream at a kid 20 yards away to get on the Right side of the line! Then they line up against the wall next to their classrooms. They must not enter until the teacher gives them permission. After the "go ahead" sign the teacher greets each one before they enter the class with a "Good Morning" or some other innocuous greeting to put them on notice that "Big Brother" is watching them throughout the day.

I've heard several teachers start to count down from "5" so that when they get to "1" there is complete quiet in the room. At lunch the Assistant Principal requires students to be absolutely quiet during lunch dismissal; if they are caught talking they lose the privilege of sitting wherever and with whomever they want at lunch the following week. This is a cruel and unusual punishment!

At the end of the day these youngsters have more energy then the Everready Bunny. I'm barely able to keep my eyes open and they're ready for another 6 class periods.

I was wondering if the staff at the middle schools could follow their students to high school and the high school teachers could slide to elementary school and work their way up again in the rotation. This way all the schools could improve. How come all the "Big Shots" didn't think of this? Might be a paperwork headache for the Personnel Department.

Caveat Emptor!!!

2009-08-08T04:24:00.000-07:00

I really hesitate writing this blog because I treasure my good judgment in most things I get involved with. However in this scenario I was duped and take the blame for my foolishness.

After nurturing my Hyundai XG350 up to 78,000 miles in almost 5 years it was time for a new car. I started looking for a Dodge Caliber since I heard it was a good American car that was comfortable and had good gas mileage. I went to a local dealer who had a "special" price on one of these, several "$K" under the others. I called and was told the reason for the price drop was that there were several "incentives" involved.

So I'm traveling up the road to test drive this baby and arrive at the dealership with the car polished and ready for me to slip into. The Head Salesman makes the following remark just before I turn on the ignition, "The salesperson on the phone told you this car had no A/C didn't she?". After a few well chosen words I left.

Down the highway I go. I pass a Kia Dealership and pull in. I had a friend who had a Kia Sportage and loved it, so I thought I'd check out a used Kia, something I could afford. I hadn't even closed my car door before the hungry salesman came running up to me. I asked about a used Kia Sportage. He said he had none but he could put me in a new one for almost the same money as I was going to spend on the Caliber.

After a test drive he ushered me into the dealership where I saw several other hungry salesmen loitering around. After meeting with his "superior" and being in the place almost 2 hours, they beat me down enough to have me leave a deposit and agree to take a new Kia Sportage 2 days hence. I had signed a few papers (left with no copies) and told them I would pick up the car 2 days later. I was the only one in the dealership at that time and it was almost one hour after they had closed. I was tired, beaten down, and submissive.

The next day another Kia dealer called me. I had gone online to get 3 quotes before I went to the 1st dealer. The 2nd guy said he could beat the price by a bunch. I told him I had signed papers and left a deposit at the 1st dealer. He said, after checking with his sales manager, that I could get out of that deal because I "didn't take delivery of the car". I asked him if he was sure. He checked again and told me he was sure.

Later that day I traveled up the highway to the 2nd dealer and met with the salesman and his boss who confirmed that I could get out of the 1st deal as long as I "didn't take delivery of the car". The 2nd dealer's Business Manager told me the same thing as I handed him the check for the car... which I drove home.

Are you getting the drift of the end of this story? Let's cut to the chase....I now owned TWO Kia Sportages!! The 1st dealer kept calling me to find out when I was picking up my car. I didn't answer his calls. He would not let me out of the contract I signed. I tried to get the 2nd dealer to take back the 2nd car. He offered me $4K under what I paid for it 2 days before.

I contacted a lawyer who thought that the Maryland law for a 3 day "cooling off" period would apply...it DIDN'T! He was wrong, the 2nd dealer was wrong, and I was stuck with two Kia Sportages.

I'll shorten this story...I hadn't slept, hadn't eaten, etc for several days. I wasn't sure what my options were anymore. So up the road I go on a suggestion from a friend to talk to the Head Honcho of ALL the dealerships associated with the 1st Kia Dealer. I offered to make it worth his while to get me out of the 1st contract. He agreed and let me out with a cash settlement.

This was my fault even though the 2nd dealer was really responsible for my troubles. Maryland law regarding recision of a contract only refers to contracts like home improvement, house purchases, etc. How many of you knew it didn't apply to contracts signed for automobiles?

By the way, I love my Kia Sportage even though it cost me "a bit more" than I planned. Do you trust ANY car salespeople???????

A Night Out on the Town With My Best Gal

2009-07-19T02:37:00.000-07:00

Our good friend Judy gave Geri and I free tickets to the BSO (Baltimore Symphony Orchestra) concert at Oregon Ridge Park, a converted ski slope in Northern Baltimore County, summer home of the BSO. This is a beautiful bucolic setting amidst lush trees and an immense old-time ski slope where many of us broke our necks as kids.

I was really looking forward to this concert featuring the famous hits of John Williams, composer of such memorable tunes as Star Wars, Superman, Born on the 4th of July, etc. We pulled up into the parking lot and right away figured something was wrong. There were 20 cars parked and the only noticeable clientele were at the swing set enjoying the evening. We looked at our tickets again and realized that even though we like to be early for functions, a week in advance of the concert was a bit excessive.

So now I suggest going to the movies. With us we have bottled water and zucchini bread I made for dessert. So we arrive at the Mall to try to find a place for coffee. Everyone's out on a beautiful humidity-free night. We grab a couple of iced coffees and make our way to the movies where we decide on "The Hangover", one of the 100 choices in this multiplex theatre.

We sit in the lobby with our iced coffee and zucchini bread snacks while others pay $14 for a large popcorn and medium-sized Coke. We were looking mighty guilty, trying to keep things out of sight, when a big-mouth lady hollers over to us, "Hey, where did you get the iced coffee, I want to buy one too". We felt like felons. We were directed by an employee to a sign on the wall that said "Those bringing outside food into this theatre will be punished to the full extent of the law". We looked around for hidden security cameras and prayed they didn't film us finishing our snacks before we went into the show.

The movie was hilarious!

The night was still young after the movie which was preceded by 37 previews of coming attractions both on the Big Screen and the TV Screen, and three separate warnings to turn off our cell phones. So we decided to get a drink at the Bamboo House, a Chinese Restaurant which converts into a geriatric dance floor after dark. I'm not saying the crowd is old but there is a Baltimore County ambulance on call right outside the door... just in case. We are greeted by a guy in a black muscle shirt whose arms are presented so as to flex his biceps for everyone entering to see. He's about 65 with coal black "Just for Men" colored hair. There were others around the bar who were conversing in hushed tones while others were trying to maneuver around for the best hook-ups before returning to the Retirement Community's bus waiting outside. I swear there was a guy who was at least 80 who wore more polyester than I've seen since 1968. His natty white shoes set him apart from everyone.

Anyway, we had a drink and observed a delightful dance crew having a great time. Tommy Vann's Band was playing. Tommy must be about 76 years old by now. I remember him from the 60's. He had a portable microphone with him and in the middle of a song he headed to the bathroom. There were 14 straight cha-cha's played. It was getting a bit boring.

Nothing more to report on the evening. It was an excellent night out with my best gal. I just wonder why the faces change so much from week to week at the Bamboo House. Must be the short life expectancy of 80-year-olds trying to jitterbug!!!

Meals on Wings

2009-07-12T04:04:00.000-07:00

We are a WILDLIFE HABITAT. You are probably wondering how a home in Towson, just a hop, step, and jump from the Beltway (I-695) could be so designated. Well my wife Geri is an environmentalist and a few years ago she found out how we could become a WILDLIFE HABITAT. You see all you have to do is put up a few bird feeders, have a water source available, and treat the wildlife as if they were family. I tried to convince my wife that our dog Pepper qualified but she wouldn't hear of it, so we joined.

Anyway, here's how you qualify....you send a $50.00 donation to the National Wildlife Federation and voila' you're in like Flynn. They even send you a neat plaque to hang on your fence alerting others (and the wildlife) that you now are one of the official "tree-huggers".

So each week or so I get in the car and go over to Walmart to purchase the Wildlife feed bag. This is a 40 lb bag (at $20 bucks) of wild bird seed for our winged friends that lasts 2 weeks. If you get specialty seeds its even more. We can't ask certain birds to eat just anything you know!! My wife also likes to see the Hummingbirds flit in and out, so once a week she cleans out the Hummingbird feeders and replaces sugar water for the lovely little teeny-weenies. I wish they'd stay around long enough to see what color they are but no such luck. They're in and out like your kids who come to dinner and leave 10 minutes after dessert!

Now on to the bird feeders. We have every imaginable variety of bird you could ask for, and even some you didn't ask for. For instance we now have a flock of Crows who visit frequently. Do you have any idea how ugly, large, and loud they are up close. They're black flying Turkeys! The Maryland Wildlife Bureau says you can't get rid of them until they're ready to leave. So I go outside and blow a whistle loud enough for them to look up for the moment and laugh at me. Problem is, the birds who land on the feeder don't necessarily like all the seeds on the menu, so they dump a lot of them on the ground for the crows, squirrels, and morning doves to eat.

Did I forget to tell you about Bambi and her friends. Would you like a temporary deer hunting license to come over here and "thin" the herd out? What about the "deer resistant" plants we spend so much money on? Don't the deer understand that they aren't supposed to like these plants that sell for $12.95 each??? Don't the deer understand that they're supposed to be afraid of humans and are not welcome up on our back porch to eat potted plants???

Doesn't this sound like fun? Get on your computer and go to NWF.org to join in the frivolity. You too can be a part of nature's best. Be patient because the animals have to live too you know!

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated...Mark Twain

2009-06-15T04:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back! Hospitals suck. There are too many nurses, too many doctors and too many wake-up calls in the middle of the night to see if you still have a pulse.

They say when you are out of it and in a near death experience you see a white light at the end of a tunnel. All I ever saw in the last two weeks was a red neon EMERGENCY sign.

I thought I was being a hero going through a third spinal surgery until the real problems showed up. While home recuperating from the back surgery (fused L1-5) I got these unbelievable pains in the belly that had nothing to do with all of the bills that came in the mail that day. After two episodes of that Geri took me to a local hospital in Towson on Charles Street where I whimpered for 2 hours before the triage folks finally felt they'd heard enough of my complaining and got me to a Doc. They brought in a surgeon who ordered lots of expensive tests and at 2:30 a.m. I was under the CatScan machine getting my insides on file. They took blood, x-rays, toe nail clippings, etc and finally, after staying the night, I was sent home with the suggestion that I keep an eye on the pain since it might involve the gall bladder. I told them I'd check into that every once in a while.

So two days later the pains come back stronger, only this time without a let-up and with a fever for extra measure. Back to my favorite EMERGENCY sign on Charles Street in Towson. This time, after the same expensive tests they decided that my gall bladder had no business being in my body any longer. So Emergency surgery was set up and into the OR I went. Recovery was tough since I still had this back surgery thing going. I tried to rent a hoist to get me up and out of bed but they said I had to do it myself.

A day later things were not going so smoothly. I was pretty well out of it, pain back, and healing not taking place. No details here since I don't want to try to remember this part. Anyway it was getting so bad that it was determinded by a couple of surgeons that another EMERGENCY surgery was needed to correct a problem at Ye Olde Gall Bladder Site. Since I had an "Open Door Policy" I gave them permission to enter my innards again, conveniently through the same front door they used two days before. This time they closed off a couple of leaking problems; I was properly sealed up and put back on the Psycho Ward.

Home now trying to find the humor in all this. Good thing I like to write since I relish talking about all this pain along the way. Nurses were great. Docs were great...I'll stick to athletics thank you very much.

See you at the ball park soon.

And thanks to Geri who is my Special Angel who got me through all this.

I Am Under House Arrest!!

2009-05-31T08:24:00.000-07:00

I am under House Arrest! This was ordered for six weeks by Dr Rosenthal, my back surgeon, who told me not to screw this up this time. You see it took him 5 hours of surgery on 5/26 to correct my back problems, after three previous surgeries, which if you'd like a choice were caused by splitting 2 cords of wood, umpiring 50 college softball games, bearing the weight of way too anxious physical therapists, or all of the above.

So here I am sitting in the sun trying to make important decisions during this Home Detention: when to shower, what to eat for lunch, which cable news to watch or how many hours I can play online Scrabble.

I've got to be careful after this surgery because the great Doc told me the last fusion didn't take (he didn't do it, another guy did). He also gave me the lovely news that one of my previous stainless steel screws BROKE! I thought stainless couldn't break.

So I'm going to be a good boy for the next six weeks. After that there's wood to split, patios to build, mulch to throw, etc (JUST KIDDING!)

My Day at the Radiology Center

2009-05-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

So my back surgeon wants me to get a Myelogram/CT Scan at a local hospital which shall remain nameless since I have a 5-hour back fusion surgery scheduled there soon. I show up at 8:50 for a 9:00 a.m. appointment. The Doc walks in at 9:00 a.m. and introduces himself. We chat for a while and I tell him I'm into swimming for exercise. He tells me he's planning to build a pool in his backyard so maybe I could give him a few tips. I tell him tip #1 is NOT to build a pool and to go to the "Y" for swimming. I then tell him if he wants to know tip #2 then refer to tip #1.

Anyway, he tells me to wait for the tech who will take me in the back and prep me for the pleasure of his sticking a 4-inch needle filled with dye into my spine so the surgeon will be able to see where my nerves are pinched. I could have pointed to the area but he said that wasn't good enough.

So here I am on a stainless steel table with a comfy mat about 3/4 of an inch thick and he tells me to make myself as comfortable as possible. Didn't Marie Antoinette's executioner tell her the same thing?

I wait in a facedown position for about 15 minutes and the tech comes in again and wants to know if the Doc showed up yet. I say no, but if he wants to cancel that's OK with me. He gets on the phone and pages the Doc, telling him to report to the Myelogram room. 15 minutes later he pages him again. This went on 4 times!!! Now my back is burning from staying in this same position for more than 30 minutes waiting for Dr. Kavorkian to show up. After the final page I tell the tech if he's not here in the next 5 minutes I'm getting off this table and leaving. 2 minutes later he shows. No explanation but a big smile. I figure discretion is the better part of valor (Shakespeare for those of you unaware), so I don't say anything as he picks up his pal... THE NEEDLE. Not too bad after the numbing part.

I leave the room and go for a CT Scan. That was easy and took 15 minutes. The tech tells me to wait in the patient's waiting area and he'll bring the Myelogram/CT Scan results on CDs for my surgeon. He comes out 15 minutes later and tells me "The Myelogram is worthless but the CT Scan was good". Now I'm furious but I didn't want to upset an already upset waiting room so I left.

Today I met with my surgeon and I started out by telling him of my experiences at his favorite hospital. He puts the Myelogram CD into his computer and tells me that there is nothing wrong with the CD!! Go figure. You just don't know whom to believe these days. Since I'll be laid up for 6 weeks, I'll have plenty of time to write more blogs. Aren't you all really happy for that?

My Day in the ESPN Sun

2009-04-29T03:28:00.000-07:00

I am a collegiate softball umpire. After 6 years of doing this I'm still trying to find out why some people consider this a glamorous profession. The ladies are bigger, stronger, older, throw harder, hit farther but are not necessarily better than the best high school players around. Lots of traveling and 6-8 hour days for double-headers.

From the time you start umpiring NCAA softball it's drummed into your head that every call you make may be taking bread off the table of the D1 coach. Many of these folks are full-time coaches and, believe me, some really act like it! In fact a college coach whom I saw on last Friday was fired by email over the weekend and watched her team play from the bleachers that Monday.

...So I'm assigned to a series at the D1 level in Delaware who are playing a rival conference team from Virginia. I'm the crew chief which adds a little more pressure into this scenario. A week before the weekend series I'm informed by the college assigner that the game will be telecast on ESPNU which is part of the vast ESPN programming. My assigner informs me that I should remember that our crew is representing college umpires in general and especially the conference I'm working in. One umpire is coming from Virginia and the other is from upstate New York.

After the third call from my college assigner informing me that this game was very important and that we were representing the conference I got the idea that this was an important event.

On the day of the game I left Baltimore at 11:00am traveling to Delaware so as to arrive by 12:30 pm to be ready for the 2:00 pm start. Of course the game was originally scheduled for 1pm but the ESPN folks decided they had to move it up an hour. That added even more pressure since my wife and I had tickets to the theatre at 6:30 pm that evening.

When I got to the field there were ESPN people everywhere. There were five cameras stationed at every conceivable angle. I met with the ESPN rep and was told that he had received a call from my conference assigner to remind me how important this game was (4th reminder!).

It was 97 degrees on the field at game time. I was at 1st base in the 3-man crew. I was sweating so profusely that I couldn't even wear sunglasses. In the 2nd inning I turned to chase a foul ball and looked right into the sun. Needless to say the home plate umpire had to make the call. Two bang-bangs later (for those of you uninformed that's really, I mean REALLY, close plays at a base). And no matter what Jim Palmer says, the "Tie Does Not Go To The Runner!" I was wondering if I had the calls right. Oh, did I forget to tell you that I was told the female in the broadcast crew hated umpires?

Anyway, we somehow got through this whole thing and after 2 hours in the blazing sun, with commercials holding up the game after every inning, the home team won by a shutout, 5-0. I ran straight to the ESPN truck after the game and asked the Director one question, "Did You Use Replay?" He smiled and said "No".

I raced home and we made it to the theatre 15 minutes before show-time. I had more pressure trying to make the show then umpiring in the game!!!

Scrabble Freak!!

2009-04-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have watched me avoid the friendly family table games at home after holiday dinners...I apologize.

With the advent of Facebook's Scramble, I became a game freak. If you've ever played Facebook's Scramble you know it can be addicting. However, in my attempt to try something new, I searched online for a free online SCRABBLE game and I found it. It's on a site called POGO.COM. You logon and you can start playing with an alias name that you make up. They start you off with 10,000 points and you continue earning points while playing.

I need an antidote for this because I find myself playing this POGO Scrabble game for hours on end. I cuss out loud when my challenger covers a spot I want and wonder at some of these words the big shots come up with, i.e. "za", "qi" (I didn't even know you could have a "q" word without a "u" following it)!

Anyway, I've learned a lot of new words from doing this. There is even a "chat" engine so you can holler at your opponent when they beat your butt! Now I'll have to start playing the family because I'll have no excuses. My 90 year-old Mother-in-Law, Stella, is gonna want me to play her. I really enjoy having her around but is she gonna believe me when I come up with a word like "QANATS" ??

Why Would You Pick Verizon Phone Service?

2009-03-27T02:33:00.000-07:00

About a week ago we were awakened at 1:30 a.m. by our Slomin Alarm System SIREN! I ran through the house expecting to find an intruder. I banged into a wall, since I was half asleep, and busted my head as well as cut up my foot. My son, who is temporarily staying with us in a downstairs apt ran through a door to get to me and broke the door. Neither of us could find anyone in the house and I shut off the alarm. There was no warning beep prior to the alarm siren (which was deafening) going off. We called Slomin and were told that if phone power is cut off for 15 seconds or more the alarm system activates without any warning beep in the siren emergency mode.

After cleaning up the blood on the carpet from my wounds we went back to sleep, I called Verizon Customer service the next morning and after reviewing all of his notes the CSR told me there was no cut-off in power in any of his information. I then called Slomin and was told, for the 2nd time, that it was Verizon's fault for cutting off power to the phone. Again I called Verizon Customer Service and was told they had no information. I demanded that they connect me with a supervisor. Twenty minutes later ( as I was on hold) a supervisor came on the line and read the previous notes on my account. She told me that she would investigate and get back to me the next day. She called the next day to report that, in fact, it was Verizon's fault. Apparently there was trouble in the FIOS lines and they were repairing the problem in the middle of the night, assuming it wouldn't impact on any customers. They forgot that many of us have alarm systems tied into the phone lines.

Each night the same supervisor has been calling me to report that the "ticket is still open" and that repairs have not been completed.

What would have happened if I had not demanded that a supervisor talk to me? I believe that Verizon's Customer Service and communications with customers is POOR at best; I had bad experiences before. As I wait for the repair, my wounds are healing but the downstairs door is still broken. The supervisor told me that Verizon would take care of that but so far no one has contacted me about it. I think I will share this story with a couple of major market TV stations as well as my Blogger friends.

The Colors of RED and GREEN

2009-03-16T15:51:00.000-07:00

There’s something about the colors of RED and GREEN that can make or break your entire day. Why are we so disposed to changing attitudes when either of these colors show up? For one, RED is not as "feel good" as other colors. Stop Signs are RED. I need to get somewhere fast and that color keeps me from movin' on. Same thing with RED stop lights on the street. Again I’ve got to stop! The RED Light district leads to the downfall of men! Women with RED hair who work in the RED light district can be a double whammy! Fire extinguishers are colored RED. If you have to use one that’s not good. In the RED Badge of Courage, lots of soldiers in the Civil War got killed. Mars is the RED Planet. There’s no air to breathe so that’s not good. Hot Pepper sauce comes in a RED bottle. I broke one of them at home the other day and it spilled all over the kitchen floor. Believe me that wasn’t good.

Now for the color GREEN. GREEN grass makes you feel good…nothing like laying down in the grass under a tree in the Spring on St Patty's Day with a GREEN beer. GREEN is the color of the new attitude with the environment. GREEN plants in the house give you oxygen (unless you forget to water them like I do). GREEN is the color of vegetables that are good for us even though you hated your Mother for shoving them in front of your face.

I could go on and on but I’m starting to sound more and more like Andy Rooney (I’d better check the length of my eyebrows).

I forgot to tell you that the most pleasant GREEN that I have been looking at lately is the color of the numbers on my Stock list. They were all RED under George Bush (didn't I see him with RED eyes during one Press Conference?)

A Day in Caya Costa

2009-02-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

While in Southwest Florida we planned a trip to Caya Costa, a National Park Island about a 30 minute drive from Ft Myers Beach. You have to travel through Sanibel and Captiva to get to a marina where you catch a launch to Caya Costa. The old bridge from Ft Myers to Sanibel was replaced a few years ago. The big money in Sanibel wanted to keep the "riff raff" of Ft Myers from easy access to Sanibel so they instituted a $6.00 toll across the bridge.

Anyway, we arrived at the marina at 8:30 a.m. to catch the launch. We passed the most ostentatious homes imaginable on the way. Two of the homes (one looked like the White House and the other looked like the White House Junior) were being built by the Kohler Family, plumbing Czars.

The crew invited us on the boat and we scrambled for seats for our 9:00 a.m. departure. At 9:00 a.m. the captain indicated that we were going to wait a few minutes for a couple who were on their way. 10 minutes later the young folks showed up to a round of applause. We had a good laugh.

Captain Nemo (I forgot his name) took us into the channel and pointed us toward Caya Costa. Everyone on the boat had a high degree of excitement based on the knowledge that this beach was suppose to be the 3rd best shelling beach in the world!

Just before we arrived the 1st Mate (there was no 2nd or 3rd mate) asked for our attention and used a microphone to make sure we paid attention. He established a time for return. We had to be at the boat at 11:25 a.m. sharp. He asked all of us to synchronize our watches and cell phones to make sure we were on time.

We walked around to the Gulf side of the island and Lo and Behold... I never saw so many sea shells in my life! The landing party was salivating. They sell this stuff for good money in dinky little shell shops (say that three times fast). I was enthralled for about 20 minutes. Then I pulled up my trusty beach chair, my book, and watched the others fight over any shells that looked a little different.

At 11:10 I called my wife Geri and told her we needed to get back to the boat. At 11:25 Captain Courageous (I forgot his name) and his Assistant Captain (the guy was promoted while we were anchored) started counting the people on board. There were supposed to be 29 but they counted twice and only came up with 27. We looked around and guess who was missing ?? You guessed it, Mr. and Ms. Johnnie C. Lately. We voted to leave them but Captain Gulliver told us by law he could not do that . So he left the boat and walked around to the other side of the island. He returned to announce that they were no where to be found. So Captain Jack had this idea to ride around the island and blow his substantially loud horn until we could find them.

About a mile or so up the beach we spotted them. They were casually walking along the beach while several of us (including yours truly) were screaming words of encouragement and offering coded signals with our middle fingers. Captain Video pulled the boat up to the edge of the beach but couldn't get close enough for them to reach the boat ladder without wading in the water. The lady perpetrator yelled to us, "I can't do this because I can't swim!". I yelled back, "You obviously can't tell time either!"

Everyone on the boat was really pissed. They decided not to applaud this time when they entered the boat. No one said anything (except your truly). When Lady Dracula passed by me I looked her in the eye and said "The first time it was funny, the second time it wasn't". She looked away to avoid the expression on my face.

We arrived back 45 minutes late but they didn't charge us for the extra time.

It was a lovely day!!

Get On the GPS Bandwagon

2009-02-04T04:43:00.000-08:00

I'd have to guess that most of us are 10 miles behind the technology Bandwagon, at least I am. I have to hear from just about all of my friends and family, as well as read all the blogs on the Internet before I'm willing to try something new. So Lo and Behold, we wind up with a Garmin Nuvi 200 as a present from my sons for Christmas/Hanukkah (we give them presents for both holidays, they get us presents for one).

It was a cute little thing and I really didn't think we'd get much use out of it. It stayed in the box until we were embarrassed to open it and try it. Funny thing about these hard plastic cases, when you cut them to get them open you always wonder if the store will accept a return when you decide you don't want it. What do you say when they tell you it has to be returned in the original packaging?

Anyway, the directions said to take it out to an area with direct access to the sky so the satellites can activate it. They cautioned not to set it up near trees, so I had to drive it to a local soccer field to get it started. Temperamental little thing isn't it? So I turned it on and it started blinking and making electronic noises. I waited for a while until it finally told me that the satellites had been located. I hoped it wouldn't take that long to get me out of somewhere after taking the wrong turn off the expressway (Bonfire of the Vanities??).

So now our Garmin was activated and I placed it in the glove compartment of my car. There it sat until I remembered two weeks later that it was in there. I ran out to my car after I read somewhere that you shouldn't leave it in an environment below 32 degrees. It had been below 32 degrees for 3 days! I cuddled it, brought it into the house, and covered it with warm towels to bring it back to life. I pressed the "ON" button and Eureka, it started to beep!

So now we're on our way to Florida, snow-birding for the month of February, driving in the car. The lady on the Garmin from the Midwest (I think she was a truck stop waitress or something) gives us turn by turn directions. My wife doesn't believe this thing works and has her trusty maps in her lap following each and every directional instruction given by Maude (I named her in order to keep this personal).

About 100 miles into the trip she got us lost. I quickly changed the voice to a British flight attendant who seemed more knowledgeable. She got us back on track.

After reaching South Carolina we programmed it to take the shortest route. It was supposed to take us 4.5 hours to reach St Augustine and it took us 6 hours. Well I guess with that kind of technology give or take an hour and a half ain't bad.

The only part of this that worried me was when we were in a particular tough part of the course and the British lady said "Satellite signal lost". That scared us a little.

After regaining satellite signal we continued on our journey using the maps in my wife's lap.

Ah what a wonderful thing technology is!!

Blog #10...The Great Cell-Phone Dilemma

2009-01-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

Are any of you out there cell phone fanatics? I have an iPhone and its my one and only "Boy Toy". I'm really lucky because I dropped it in water and I thought it was a goner. But the next day, after I said my prayers, it came back to life. This was monumental because the guys at the iPhone store told me it had NEVER happened before that they knew of.

So now my wife Geri wants to upgrade her phone. She needs one that has numbers you can see because through the years the numbers have gotten smaller and smaller. I'm sure that has nothing to do with her eyesight. But finding a phone that has "senior" dial-faces is really hard. So she tried a Blackberry which had a regular typewriter keyboard. We brought it home and I set it up. I didn't have small enough fingers to press the correct keys so I had to use my fingernail. Can you imagine a phone costing that much and you can't even make it work with anything other than your fingernail??

Well to make a long story short, the doggone phone would not sync correctly with our computer. For those of you electronically challenged that means the data from the phone and the computer will be transferred if everything is working ok. This one wasn't working ok. I guess when you buy something that's marked "Refurbished" you ought to look up what the word means in the dictionary .

After 3 days of calls to Blackberry and the software maker it was finally determined that our "Data was Damaged". So I held up the white flag of surrender and took the little sucker back to the AT&T store today. We're back to square one. The old Motorola is working Ok but the darn thing is PINK and the numbers are PINK, so it makes dialing and texting an Olympic event (and you stilll have to use your fingernails).

I think I'm going to strangle the guy who invented cell phones. It would probably be better to strap our old Verizon landline to our belts and use that... if we could find a long enough cord!!

New Year's Resolution-2009

2009-01-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

I know you've all been waiting patiently for this, so here goes:

New Year's Resolutions
I resolve to:

• Work diligently to promote a lasting peace in the Middle East........right!
• Remember to put the cosmetic pillows in their proper position after making the bed
• Continue to criticize Martin O'Malley, Governor of Maryland, at every juncture (that one's easy)
• Remember to put the toilet seat down after use
• Work extremely hard for the next presidential candidate who proposes a FLAT TAX!
• Stop calling my 30 yr old son "Butch"
• Help to restore the Chesapeake Bay by using our MD Dept of the Environment grant for a new septic system
• Change my voicemail message so people don't think I recorded it in a garbage can
• Try to remember what a lousy job this last MD State Legislature did so I know who NOT to vote for next election
• Increase my neighborhood watch so they don't steal anything else from my driveway
• Try to make "nice" with Hilary Clinton as she promotes our foreign policy
• Put a "tail" on Bill Clinton as he tries to promote his own foreign policy while Hilary's out of town
• Wring the neck of the kid (if I catch him) who continues to throw beer cans on my lawn
• Cancel my Verizon contract next December because of their terrible customer service
• Cancel my Heating Oil Company contract in April because they price gouge
• Increase my swimming laps to 1300 yards a workout (if I can find a free lane at the "Y"
• Try to think of any possible way I can get out of helping my younger son paint his new house
• Try to smile more often (my facial muscles are atrophying)!
• Try to figure even more ways to remind myself what a great wife I have (that statement is money in the bank!)
• Try to get more of you to read these blogs!!!!

Blog #8 Christmas/Hanukkah

2008-12-24T12:18:00.000-08:00

Whew! If you think I look tired you should see my wife Geri! Can you imagine having to take care of two major holidays at the same time? That's what happens when a Jew marries a Christian. Nobody wants to get cheated out of anything so we try to accommodate everyone. The ones who make out like thieves are my two sons who get "stuff" and plenty of it for both holidays.

Tonight we're having 11 for Christmas Eve Dinner. Besides cooking all day and doing the final "wrap" on the presents we're trying to remember what we're supposed to do for dinner on Christmas Day ...and then Hanukkah celebration on the 28th with my side of the family!

It's no wonder that the psychiatrists have a field day right after the holidays. Folks are stressed out, disappointed, exhausted, and ready for a long winter's rest.

WAIT!! I forgot to make plans for New Year's Eve. I hope my wife isn't too disappointed but I was thinking of picking up some Shrimp Foo Yong take-out and watching a movie, just prior to falling asleep 10 minutes before the ball drops at Time's Square and watching the re-runs on January 1 during the day.

Well if it sounds like I'm complaining...I'm really not. This holiday season is really more important then those of the past because of what everyone's been through in 2008. Less fortunate then us are suffering. So before I do any more complaining lets just remember that old saying "I complained about not having any new shoes until I met the man with no feet."

Happy Holidays everyone (am I allowed to say that?).

Mr. Joe, WWII Vet, made it to 90 yrs of age

2008-12-06T06:22:00.000-08:00

Joe O'Connor made it to his 90th birthday when his body finally gave out. When asked a few years back what the secret was to his long life he said he had done everything WRONG.....drank too much, ate the wrong food, smoked, and got himself in too many scrapes during his life.

He and Stella were companions for over 50 years. How many of us will be able to match that record? He was sometimes irascible and overbearing, but to Stella he was a friend and companion; they spent many hours at Bingo and the Boatyard where they lounged on his "yacht" that never left the dock in all the years he was "fixing" it.

Joe never let a dollar stay very long in his pocket. His money and he had brief visits...never trusted banks or doctors. "Things" were purchased on a whim and very often those "things" lasted short periods of time until he realized he didn't want or need them (3-wheeled bike, motor scooter, a variety of boats).

Joe's beginnings were in Western Maryland on his grandmother's farm. At an early age (not sure if he was even legal) he joined the Navy. Just about that time World War II was experiencing its major battles. Twice he was blown out of his ship by German sub torpedoes, and twice he survived. He was one of only five shipmates who made it out alive from one of those tragedies. Navy buddies jokingly told Joe he was bad luck and tried to avoid any relationship with him onboard.

For drinking money Joe fought in several prize fights when his Navy ships docked at major ports. Whether he won more than he lost is a big questionmark. Its just like the fisherman whose fish grows in size every time he tells the story. If you believed Joe, he could have qualified for the Olympic Boxing Team, except he didn't have enough money to pay for cab fare to and from the fights.

After serving in the Navy he drove a cab and learned all there was to know about the City of Baltimore. While he did that he also delivered liquor to bars in East Baltimore. He worked at the Inland Steel Plant and retired after many years bending and forming metal products.

Joe's family did not plan on any service for him after his passing on 12/5/08, so this little piece will serve as the only record highlighting parts of his life. There are some plans by his family to throw his ashes in the Chesapeake Bay where he liked to fish.... that would have made him happy. There was an article published recently describing the astonishing death rate of our WWII Vets. Something like 1200 per day are leaving us. So Joe becomes part of that statistic.

So lets thank Joe for his service to America and for being around Stella for so many years, sharing in her good and not so good times. We'll be thinking of you.

You beat the odds again Joe and made it to 90!

It's Fun to Swim at the Y_M_C_A!!!

2008-11-03T16:42:00.000-08:00

I'm a swimmer and have been so since high school. I got into serious swimming in the early 80's and have been an aficionado of the lap lanes ever since. I swim at the "Y".

There are several swimmers who join me on a regular basis. I'd like to tell you about a few of them:

"Bottom Man" is a breast-stroke specialist who swims entirely under water. I'm not sure of the aerobic value of this style other than extreme breath-holding. If he ever jumps his car off a bridge he will survive just on the ability to hold his breath (unless the fall kills him).

"Zeus" is a friendly guy who weighs about 375 lbs and only does the overarm side stroke. God help you if you wind up in the same lap lane as "Zeus" as his kick can disable several parts of your body at once. Obviously the rest of us allow him to swim in a lane by himself.

"The Green Salamander" is a very pretty young lady in her lime-green Speedo who has obviously swum competitively and is so fast that the guys can't get a good look at her under water.

"Mrs. Lloyd Bridges (Sea Hunt for those of you too young to remember) comes into the pool with a mask, flippers, and snorkel and never picks her head up until she's finished her work-out. Not very friendly, huh?

"The Slow Boat to China" is our Asian friend who "hovers" around the lane line. Many of us have to pinch him every once in a while to make sure he's breathing and alive. He's got to be 80 years old or more! God bless him for coming to the "Y" to work out.

I have fun at the "Y" with my wet friends. You should try swimming if you need a new work-out routine. Just stay out of "Zeus's" lap lane if you value your life!

PIZZA Strike!

2008-10-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

For a very long time I didn't eat pizza. I used to go to meetings where pizza was the sole source of sustenance; I sat there watching everyone stuff their jowls but didn't partake of the so-called dinner. I couldn't get past the fat content or greasy feel under the crust. And the cheeses would have closed up my arteries.

Well most recently I decided to try pizza again and see if my feelings were the same. Of course I looked around for some coupons and found some for Pizza Hut which is located near me. I called and asked what one large pizza with two small side salads would be. The clerk clicked her adding machine and came up with a total of $33.00 before tax. I said that I didn't want to order a pack of five....just one. She said that was the going rate. She offered me a deal for 2 large pizzas on special for $32. I was leery about this because if I didn't like the pizza I'd be wasting a second one.

I showed up at my local Pizza Hut a few minutes later and asked for my order. They grabbed a box and handed it to me which seemed a little lonesome without the side salads I was charged for. They apologized and said it would only be a few minutes to make the salads.

I should have taken a hint about this place since there were a total of three people eating there at the 6:30 dinner time on a Friday evening.

Anyway, I received the items, paid, and left.

We opened the order and found the two side salads. One was filled to the top and the other was barely 1/2 filled. The bottom of the pizza box was darkly stained with grease that had escaped from the dough. After eating one bite we agreed these were tasteless, under-tomato-sauced and totally delectably-challenged. Not only did we throw the first one away, we tried to freeze the 2nd one in order to give it our son but he didn't want it either.

I went online to the Pizza Hut website and wrote a complaint about my experiences in their "Comments" section. They didn't reply, too busy writing commercials for Monday Night Football I guess.

I am now on another pizza strike! If you know of a place that would bring me back to being a pizza believer again please let me know. I have a bad attitude now for the Italian delicacy.

We're Buying Organic!

2008-10-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

We have a very dedicated environmentalist in our family. She started this way back when she sponsored The Environmental Club at the high school where she worked for many years until retirement. In fact, she was the determining factor in making that school a certified "Green School" honored by the State of Maryland.

So now you see the pressure I'm under to go Organic. I want to speak to the Organic Police some time. How do we know that the farmers who grow organic crops aren't sneaking out in the middle of the night and spraying their crops? How do we know THEY eat organic? They probably go to the closest McDonalds for dinner and laugh all the way to the Dollar Menu!

Anyway, Whole Foods and some of the other Organic Markets are making a fortune. Ever see anything "On Sale" at Whole Foods?... and you never will because price is of no concern to those who shop there as they glide through the isles with their Birkenstock's on. All I know is I'm scared to death to go to Whole Foods. They give you these tiny little carts as you walk through the tiny little spaces. If you ask for regular hamburger meat the butcher gives you a dirty look and replies "Sir, we only sell products from organically fed cattle who are free-ranged and who are lulled to sleep each night with piped-in music from "A Midsummer's Night Dream". I tell him I don't want to date a cow, I just want to eat her for dinner between two hamburger rolls that are not made of unbleached whole grain wheat-flour.

Anyway, if I don't get hit by a garbage truck maybe eating this way will keep me alive a few days longer.

There's Hope for the Future

2008-10-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

I spend some time as a substitute teacher at some local schools. One is a Middle School. The kids are cute and the school is very structured and supportive. They must walk down the halls on the right side and must be in class on time or there is "Heck" to pay.

One day in the cafeteria I had an eye-opening experience. I was on cafe duty and near the end of the session an assistant principal took the microphone as an eerie quiet took over the room of about 150 kids. The administrator told them that they would be dismissed in silence and if there was any talking they would receive strike one, two, or three for as many times as anyone was caught speaking.

I was amazed at the response. You could hear the proverbial pin drop. Each table was dismissed separately and just before dismissal the students checked on and under their tables for trash. Then they were allowed to go in silence.

Perhaps there's hope for the future with caring and structured schools like this for 6th, 7th, and 8th graders! Could this be a model for other areas?

Our New Pellet Stove

2008-10-18T04:55:00.001-07:00

Well we're going to do our part to save energy and make this planet just a little more user friendly as we pass our environmental priorities on to the next generation; and with this magnanimous gesture we are going to save money in the end.

We bought our first pellet stove!

After watching the heat from the log fire go up the chimney and not provide any comfort unless we sat next to the fire on the floor of our Family room, we decided that the next reasonable step was a pellet stove. We did a lot of research into different styles and companies and finally settled on buying one at the stove store in Fallston. And it was on sale!! 15% off. What a deal. We purchased one for $3500 and tried to figure out how many years of cost saving we would have to have in order to actually save on what we were paying in oil deliveries.

So then we had to have it installed. We found a friend of a friend who did it for $900. Now we were up to $4300. Oh, we forgot the pellets....now we're up to $4600. And did I forget to tell you that the oil company just delivered 66 gallons of fuel oil at $3.89 per gallon....now we're up to $4900!!

Boy are we saving. I figure I'll make this up some time in the next mellenium...but the Family room is real warm!!

A New Blogger!

2008-10-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, I don't think I have the interest or ability to be a full-time blogger but I thought I'd write when something pops into my head, albeit infrequently. What about the smokers who think the world is their ashtray? These folks who stop at a red-light and deposit their cigarette butts on the "payment" (Baltimoreze) for the rest of us to enjoy for about a 150 years when the laws of nature finally dispose of them or they get washed into the Chesapeake where the fish get another tasty snack. What about the folks who think the sand DownyOcean is a depository for their butts? Somehow they relate to that after using a butt can with sand in it and surmise that its OK to use a bigger sand pile for the same purpose.

I'm tolerant of those of you who choose to smoke. But puleeze Hon, find somewhere to store your butts other than the aforementioned areas. How about the ashtray in your car??? Are the Detroit and Japanese makers still providing those receptacles for cigs or are they only used for loose change?

Thanks for your time.